Bah Humbug....

Why is Christmas so hard? Why do there have to be treats every where I look? Why do they have to be so delicious? Why can't I just look at a tray of goodies and say "No thank you"? Why must I feel the need to sample one of everything? Why must everybody bring in treats to work every day? Why can't I just resist? It's because I'm weak and addicted to sugar? Oh, that makes sense. Stupid tasty sugar and it's addictive ways. There are plenty of people who can resist the allure that is holiday sugary goodness, but I'm not one of those people. 

Seriously. Following a diet in spring summer and fall are easy. There's fresh vegetables and fruit everywhere and they're super cheap. The weather is nice so you can go do outdoorsy stuff like hiking and swimming and things of that nature. People bring in fresh veggies and fruits from their gardens and encourage you to have some. It's great. You just feel more energized and motivated to look good in a swim suit. 

In winter, you get to wear baggy clothes that hide your cookie belly. In winter, every where you turn there's hot chocolate and cookies and pumpkin flavored lattes and baked goods. There's cookie exchanges and holiday parties with mini sized foods (which trick you into thinking they're better for you). Families get together to eat lovingly made holiday feasts (the love being butter). It's perfectly acceptable to walk around eating everything in site. And the worst part is when you try to resist people look at you like you just insulted Santa Clause's mother. Seriously, it sucks.

It's really hard to be motivated to go to the gym when you have to put on a parka and mittens and scrape the frost off your windshield first. Then when you leave the gym your sweat freezes on your skin and you have to scrape your windows again. I wish I actually had room in my house for a treadmill that I would look at and have to use because I'd feel guilty with it just sitting there and judging me. 

I know I want to lose weight and feel better about myself. It's just hard. And this time of year just makes it harder. Maybe I'll make a new year's resolution to follow last year's new year's resolution to go the gym more. Also, I'm going to put this on my fridge so I don't try to sneak any more ice cream...

and

Finally... I've lost another pound!

Hallelujah.... the scale is finally going down! I do admit that I have an unhealthy obsession with checking my weight a million times a day. I also admit I get ridiculously aggravated when I haven't lost any weight. I know that you can't lose weight every day. I know that losing 1-2 pounds a week is healthy. But I want to lose MORE. I'm all about instant gratification, which is why I tend to give up so easily on everything. Eating chocolate is pleasurable. Eating veggies suck.

Update: I did go home after my last blog post and play my dance game and played it for an hour. By the end I was sweating profusely, I couldn't breathe, and I swore I was going to vomit. It was awful. And Painful. My back hurt for days. I did get up to level 14 so that's good. I haven't played it again though, because My hubby was home over the weekend and we were too busy playing COD to do anything else. I'm also on overnights this week and by the time I get home Hubby is playing COD by himself. I'm sure if I asked him he'd let me play my game, but then he sits there and watches me and offers suggestions on how to do it better. It drives my crazy.

Speaking of driving me crazy, my husband is an ass. I'm trying so hard to be good and not eat all the delicious processed junk foods that are in the house and he has the audacity of continuing to offer me bites of ice cream and cookies and the like. I say no repeatedly but a fat girl's will power can only withstand so much. 

I know I have an addictive personality and my drug of choice is carbs. I love carbs of all kinds. If given the opportunity I would bathe in sugar. Offering me carbs is like offering liquor to an alcoholic. Can I resist? Yes. Do I want to? Kinda. Is it easy? Oh hell no. I want to go all Gallum on that shit and horde it in my cave. I want to eat it, and love it, and squeeze it, and bring it for long walks on the beach. I would give anything to be like my husband and be able to eat a whole quart of ice cream in one sitting and not gain any weight. It sickens me when he's in the bathroom and I hear "You're not feeding my enough Squishy, I've lost another pound." If I didn't love the bastard I swear I'd murder him in cold blood and bury him underneath the basement floor. 

Okay. So, ranting over. At this point I'm feeling pretty hopeful that things are starting to go my way again. I've been more conscious of what I'm eating and I've started to take the stairs instead and also to take the long way around at work. I'm positive that these small changes will have an impact on my progress. Maybe people will start commenting on my diminishing waist line again. It feels nice when people recognize the hard work I'm putting into it. 

I realize that I'm going to be working for the rest of my life. This will never be easy. I'm going to do my best.

I'm a Terrible Blogger...

I swear I don't mean to ignore my blog. But if I blog I actually have to take ownership of the fact that I'm a bad exerciser and diet follower. I mean seriously bad. I can't motivate myself to go to the gym and "free days" are running rampant. I blame work stress. And the deliciousness of processed foods. And Chocolate. I always blame chocolate. 

Work stress has caused me to be unable to sleep at night, which in turn causes me to only sleep for a few hours during the day, which in turn causes me to be tired and cranky and crave chocolate and processed deliciousness, which in turn makes me not want to go to the gym and to say "Another free day won't kill me". Free days have caused my waist line to NOT get smaller. At least it hasn't gotten bigger again.

So. I need motivation.

Here is a picture of Cartagena, Columbia. One of the places I'll be visiting on our cruise.

I want to be able to walk along that beach with my hubby and not be winded after 5 feet. Walking in sand is hard when you're as heavy as I am because all you do is sink. I practically need snow shoes to be able to accomplish it and who wears snow shoes on a beach in summer? Oh, Nobody. That's right.

Here's Palm Beach in Aruba.

I want to be able to swim on that beach and not be mistaken for a baby killer whale. That is why I do not wear black and white swim suits. It's always been my fear to get eaten by sharks because they thought I was a baby killer whale.

Here is a picture of Doris Mayday, whom I aspire to look like. Except I'd be brunette. I'd look horrible as a blonde.

I want to be able to wear retro style dresses and take pictures in front of awesome classic cars. I want grown men to drool at the sight of me. I want to be a model for the Bettie Page store. I could get down with wearing a girdle. Look at that waist!

Here is a picture of red patent leather high heel shoes.
                                         
                                           

I've always wanted to wear a pair of "stripper heels" as hubby calls them. I call then "F*ck Me" pumps. These of course would be worn with a retro style dress to create the whole "I'm one Hot Mama" persona. Right now I can't even stand in a pair of these. My poor ankles just can't handle the strain. 380 pounds was not meant to rest squarely on tip toes and ankles. It's painful. And dangerous. And Painful...

Here is a picture of a wall.

Well, I don't have a picture of a wall. You can relate back to my first post about what I want to do against a wall... Although, I'm sure you can imagine after my comment about the heels...

So. There's some motivation for me. Tonight I'm going to exercise at home. I have Dance Central 3 so I will play that for 30 min. Dancing is exercise. At least then I'll be earning Xbox Rewards. 

We'll see how that goes...

Okay, so I'm horrible with follow through...

Oops.... My bad...

So...
Apparently I'm bad at following through with my plans. I swear I intended to post at least once a week. But as it seems to go with all of my plans, I just simply kept putting it off. I'm a procrastinator through and through and I always simply said, maybe I'll write tomorrow. That seemed to be the theme of a recent week with my diet as well. "Oh, I'll just have a free day and try again tomorrow." It didn't seem to work out too well. But, that's behind me and I'm starting to get serious again.

So, now I really have a goal. Hubby (pictured above) and I will be going on an 11 day Caribbean Cruise next October, and it is my goal to be down to a size 14. That would be amazing because I haven't been a size 14 since I was in middle school. Yes, I realize this is sad, but I did say that I've been fat my entire life and maybe now you can believe it. In fact, I started shopping in the women's section when I was in 4th grade.  And of course this was around the time that the movie "Free Willy" was popular, so you can guess what I heard quite a bit...

Anyway, onto results.  This is week I don't remember and I'm at 352 pounds. So, I've lost 3 pounds since my last post, and considering that I've been yo-yoing so much on my diet lately, I say that is an excellent thing. I'm starting to realize that I actually need to work at this thing. Which sucks, because I'm not so good at working at anything. But I'm trying. I really want to be able to wear "normal" size clothes. And Retro Style Dresses, as I've mentioned in a previous post. I want to be able to snorkel and swim and frolic during our cruise and not worry about dry heaving from too much activity.

The procrastination theme is also present in my exercising efforts as well. I haven't been taking my daily walk and I feel that is a big part as to why I have been yo-yoing and been generally low spirited. I think that week changed my brain chemistry. I will say that exercising that much did really help with my trip to Chicago Hubby and I took around our anniversary. We walked all day every day for that whole weekend. We even walked from Navy Pier to the Field Museum to the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower to Millennium Park (which is when I finally had enough and Tim walked back to Navy Pier to pick up the car). That is over 4 miles. It was torture. A great way to see Chicago, but torture none the less. If I had walked a mile every day the week before I swear I would have collapsed. We did have fun though, and I guess that's all that really matters in these types of things.

Hubbs and I being Weirdos...

So, onward I go into my journey of weight loss. I still wish there was some sort of magic pill that I could take that would make the weight come off. Or some type of cancer that only effects the fat cells that you want to get rid of.  I'm off my long stretch of night shifts so it'll be easier for me to get back into the gym. I find it much easier to go when I get off work at 11 pm because I just head straight for Cybex. When I get off work at 7 am I just want to head straight to my pillow. So, maybe I'll get back to my strangely joyful habit of walking a mile each day. And then I can start dabbling in weight training again so I can get some guns and some abs...

We'll see how that goes...