Squishy vs. the Fitness Tracker

So...

I'm trying to be healthier. And it's really hard. Like really really hard. I've been saying how hard it is since the beginning. But Like the good Teddy Roosevelt once said:  

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty..."

And this was one seriously cool dude. I mean, Just Look at him...

I may one day be cool, but I will never be Teddy Roosevelt riding a Moose cool...

(My husband has told me that this photo is a fake, that historians have proven that it's fake and was produced for the presidential campaign because he was running for the bull moose party. I don't care that it's fake. It's awesomeness wrapped in rainbows dipped in chocolate.) 

Anyhoo,

I have trouble keeping myself motivated. I know this. It's just easy for me to say "Oh well, I'll run on the treadmill tomorrow, I've only seen this episode of The Big Bang Theory seven times. Hey, are those honey bbq potato chips?!?" Being lazy is easy. Actually getting off your butt is hard. 

So, I had this wonderful idea. I know I'm inherently lazy. If I'm going to become healthier and more active, I'm going to need a way to keep track of what I'm doing. And because I hate imputing data myself and my hips shake like a bowl fully of jelly when I walk rendering those pedometers with the ball in them totally useless, I decided it was a brilliant idea to get one of those newfangled fitness trackers. 

There are tons upon tons of fitness trackers, and they all do something different. I'm not an extremely active person who needs something that uses GPS to track my exact routes and also can predict the future while brewing a cup of coffee for someone in china. I just wanted something that was simple and pretty and would just track how active I am when I don't let my inherent laziness sabotage me.

So, I settled on the Misfit Shine, mostly because it was pretty. Plus, it tracks just stuff like how many miles total, and steps, and how many calories I'm burning based on my weight. Which is all I wanted really. So, I eagerly waited for it's arrival, dreaming of how pretty it was and how it'll help me. Then I get it, and the damn thing doesn't work with my phone! I'm kind of a hipster in the way that I have a windows phone (because the camera rocks thank you very much) and windows phone wasn't compatible with the freaking thing. So, I had this beautiful fitness tracker and no way to use it. So, I started to actually read up on the thing and it turns out it runs the best with iPhones. Stupid iPhones. Stupid expensive over rated iPhones. So, after several days watching eBay auctions, I finally get a stupid iPhone super cheap to use as a stupid iPod so I can FINALLY use my shiny fitness tracker to the extent that it's supposed to. Now that I can use it, it's Fabulous. And Pretty. And Shiny. 

So, the thing is constantly on my wrist, even when I'm sleeping (because it somehow preforms magic and tracks how well I sleep too), as a reminder to get off my lazy butt and walk around already. And it's doing a good job of that. It's really rewarding to see the lights go up the more active I am. And when I meet my daily goal of being moderately active the thing lights up like a Christmas Tree saying "Way to go you!! You show that treadmill who's boss."

I know I have a long way to go. I know it's going to take a long time. I can't expect to change overnight (which is super hard for me because as I've mentioned before I'm all about the instant gratification). I'm just trying to eat less and move more and it's working for me so far. I know it's all just a mental game. That I'm my own saboteur. I'm just going to keep plugging away slowly.

:)

Next up: Squishy Vs. The Treadmill

Squishy Vs. The Demon Chocolate Ice Cream

So...

I've been trying to eat healthier the last few days. I'm not going to say that I failed. I don't believe in failure anymore. I believe in taking it one day at a time. Well, I have to admit that I had 1 day that was worse than the other days (cranky horrible day where my husband decided to be annoying and I decided to eat 1/2 pound of fudge, but I digress). Overall though, I have been doing not too terribly. 

Anyhoo, On Monday, I decided that since is was the first Monday of the new year that I was going to Do This!! And by this, I meant I was going to be super motivated and eat right and what not. I didn't accomplish my goal of taking the stairs at work though (but trust me, even the most fit people come up those stairs breathing heavy. They're like Satan's Stairs). I did however do really good with my eating. I had a balanced breakfast. I brought a good lunch (except the hubby came to have lunch with me and brought taco bell, but even though I wanted to do my best Cookie Monster impression with the nachos, I managed to only have 1 bite (of everything)). I even had a balanced dinner. After dinner, well that's when the problems started.

I had settled down to watch some television. I was in between books at the time (since then I've decided to start Harry Potter again) and was flipping through channels and got completely bored ( I know I'm blessed to be able to be bored, the joys of not having kids I tell ya). Being bored is not good, because bored usually means eating every available carb within an arms reach. So, I'm sitting there and all of a sudden all I can think about is Chocolate Ice Cream. How delicious chocolate ice cream is, how creamy it is, how it would taste, the mouth feel, the magical properties that it possesses... Basically waxing poetic about chocolate ice cream in my head, totally thinking that chocolate ice cream would solve all my problems if only I gave into chocolate ice cream's warm glowing warming glow. And here's the catch, I know there was a brand new carton of the stuff in the freezer, thanks to the hubby who always has ice cream. ALWAYS. It was yummy chocolate ice cream with a fudge ribbon and peanut butter cups... 

So, I sat there, day dreaming naughty things about chocolate ice cream when I realized that this is how addicts feel. All they can think about is that drug. Food is my drug (too bad I need it to live...). So, having summed up the most will power I've ever been able to find within myself, I decided that chocolate ice cream didn't own me, I was going to exercise the demon ice cream out of my thoughts. 

So, I did. 

First I tried to do yoga, but I couldn't stand the instructor on the DVD for 5 minutes. I wanted to punch her in her hoity toity look at me I do yoga face. So. Annoying. 

So, then I was looking for exercise stuff on Hulu, because hulu has everything, and I came across a video for  beginners. It's from a well known DAILY fitness site that helps you BURN off that fat. (See what I did there?) Anyhoo, I could actually stand the instructor. The guy didn't make me want to punch him! ( I somehow lack the endorphins make you happy reaction). So, it was a 30 min video all about stretching, and practicing your balance, and building up your core, and it was amazing. I was sweating, and breathing hard, and I didn't think about that chocolate ice cream once. Afterwords, I really felt good about myself. Yay for me!!!

So there, Squishy won the battle against the Demon Ice Cream that day, but I know there's quite the war ahead. I just know one thing:


All the odds are, they're in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, ha ha, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win


(Theater geek for the win!!) 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3rkLRJ0m0k

New Year's Resolutions...

So, I've always been one of those people that believe that New Year's Resolutions are a joke. They're just a way to set an unrealistic goal that ends up making you feel bad for not accomplishing it by the end of the year. It gives you fodder to say "Oh, well. I blew it again this year. Might as well finish off that chocolate cheesecake that nobody has eaten yet." Or, "Oh, crap! It's December already? I better try that new fad diet and lose some weight before New Years! I heard that (insert crazy fad diet here) works wonders!" It gives people anxiety and low self worth. Or maybe that's just me. 

This year i'm going to do something different. I'm not going to make a New Year's Resolution, I'm going to make myself a New Year's Promise. 

I promise to take better care of myself.
I promise to get back to doing the things I love.
I promise to remind myself that I matter.
I promise to spend more time being grateful for what I have.
I promise to not get discouraged when I make mistakes.
I promise to not judge myself by the standards of others.

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I'm horrible with follow through, and accountability, and I seem to be easily discouraged. So, If I don't make a goal, I wont get overwhelmed by it. I'm easily overwhelmed. This way, each day is a new day. There's no screwing up. There's no "Oh crap, I had a cookie, I'm disgusting."  

The first promise to tackle is getting back to doing things I love.

I used to love cooking. I stopped cooking what I love because I was trying to loose weight. Do you know what happened? I gained more weight. I would cook something that was "healthy" and hate it and then I'd eat a bag of potato chips because I wasn't satisfied with what I was eating. Oh, those potato chips would be amazingly tasty, so then I'd follow that with ice cream. And the ice cream would be so delicious, I'd follow that with cookies. And so on and so forth until I've eaten basically every available carb in the house. All because the meal I made was "healthy" and unsatisfying. 

This year I'm going to cook more. I'm going to cook things that I think will be fun and yummy and satisfying. The hubs has bought me these fancy pans that I've always wanted, and bought me fancy knives he's always wanted. Time for me to get some use out of them. What good are super shiny pans and super sharp knives if you don't use them? 

I also love writing. But don't take the time to do it, because A. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything to write about and B. because I haven't accomplished anything I get super down about myself and I resort to eating a years worth of chocolate in one sitting and C. because I ate an entire year's worth of chocolate in one sitting I want to crawl into bed and hide from society like the big fat failure I believe myself to be in that moment. No more thinking I'm a big fat failure! So, I'm going to try to write more. Because I love to write. I'm hilarious. In my own head. I think.

So, that's it for now. I'm going to work on my first promise to myself. I think by doing this, the others will naturally follow. Hopefully. I don't know. I'm not so good at following things. Even if it's supposed to be naturally. 

My Flawed World View

So, I have this crazy idea. 

Why do I berate myself so much for being the way I am? Why do I think I need to conform to some flawed view society has about what's beautiful and what's not? Why do I let the way others see me affect the way I see myself? 

True story: The hubs and I were at Costco, and I was feeling fabulous in my adorable poodle skirt and white cardigan and red tank top. See, how freaking cute am I?

So, Anyhoo. Costco gives out samples of food, everyday 8-5, it's great. So, there was this filled sausage thing i was sampling. I went to take a bite and the thing completely squirts on my white cardigan. It's a huge and ugly stain. A normal person would be like "Oh, oops..." and wipe it off calmly. In my flawed brain I was thinking "Oh my god. I'm disgusting. People are going to look at me and judge me and I'm just a big fat slob who has food stains all over my clothes." I freaked the F out. I started hyperventilating and crying because of the way I thought OTHER PEOPLE would see me. I covered the stain up with my hand and ran to the bathroom and tried to clean up as best as I could, but I KNEW it was there. I no longer felt fabulous. I felt disgusting and ashamed.

Seriously, that's some F!cked up Sh!t. 

So, this incident made me realize that I've been looking at this all wrong. I need to be confident in myself, Love Myself, in order to live a happy and healthy life. 

So, I've decided that I am beautiful. I'm not going to look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted with the way I look. I'm not going to step on the scale and feel depressed if I haven't lost a pound. I've spent way too much time feeling self conscious about the way I look and not allowing myself to be comfortable. Seriously, if it's 90 degrees outside why do I feel like I need to put on a sweater over a tank top? It's freaking hot! I deserve to wear a freaking tank top without worrying that people will think I'm disgusting! 

I'm going to stop focusing on my size. Size does not matter. What matter's is how I feel, and how I see myself.

I'm adorable as hell. I'm a weirdo, I'm hilarious, I have a great smile, My personality is Killer, I have beautiful Eyes. I'm also compassionate and kind. I'd do anything to make somebody smile who's having a bad day. I'm loyal to those I love. I am fun. I have a great singing voice. I'm a geek. I'm Fabulous. 

So, no more obsessing over what I eat. No more feeling like I don't matter. No more worrying what other people are going to think of me. No more feeling guilty for having a bowl of ice cream. No more obsessing over how much I weigh. No More.

I'm one Bad Ass Mother (shut your mouth)...

Hi again! It's ME! Squishy!

So...

HI!!

I've warned you all (you know, all of you fictional people who read my blog) that I'm horrible with follow through. I've proven it again and again. But, as my mom always used to tell me, You take your friends for who they are and not who you want them to be. This is me people. Horrible with follow through.

So... it's been more than 6 months since my last post, and a lot has happened in those more than 6 months. The most exciting of which was my wonderfully long vacation with the Hubby. The worst of which was the re-emergence of my adolescent asthma.

For our wonderfully long vacation, the Hubbs and I took the aforementioned cruise to the Caribbean. I would like to say that I was able to walk on the sandy beaches without snow shoes, but... It probably would have been much easier. White sand beaches are very pretty, but the sand is so fine that my feet sunk into them like a warm knife cuts through butter. So, yeah. It was great exercise though! Also, Squishy+super humidity+HOT does not a very comfortable squishy make. I melted like, well, like a Squishy Girl in the Caribbean. I constantly looked like I just took a dunk into the pool. Gross, yes, but I blended in quite nicely with the people who did just dunk into the pool. I felt like a cool kid, but only sticky and smelly. At least the Hubbs and I had a great time!! I will say that I threw my self consciousness out the door and wore what was comfortable to me ( no sleeves, it was actually rather hard). 

Before the cruise Tim and I took a trip to Disney. I have always been a Disney fanatic. I love Disney. Much more than Harry Potter, and for much longer. I can sing every single Disney Princesses' song from memory at a moment's notice. I can't tell you enough how much of a Disney freak I am. Anyhoo, back to Disney World. I have to say every single ride I wanted to ride I fit in!! Without a problem what so ever. It was such a great experience, one that left me feeling great about myself, not miserable and depressed like the Universal experience. So, if you have any doubts about Disney, do not worry your beautiful plus size body!! I'm a size 26, 355 lbs, wear a 44D (I like the girls to look perky ;) ) and 5' 6 1/2 " (the 1/2" is very important when your husband is 6'4") and fit into everything. Space Mountain, Everest.... Every single Ride I tried. It was great. And Fun. And I want to be Maleficent.

So, I mentioned the reemergence of my childhood asthma. I had had an upper respiratory infection in September that I just couldn't shake off. So next thing I know I'm at work and I cant breath, it's a very scary feeling, so the Nurses who work in my area forced me to go to the ER and I ended up being admitted for 2 days. It sucked. after I got out, everything was hard, breathing was hard, walking was hard, and I was afraid to do anything. So I used it as an excuse. I used it as an excuse for a long time. I'm feeling better now, but I still have to take an inhaler every day. And it is hard for me to walk long distances because my lungs start to hurt. But i'm going to stop using it as an excuse and work through it. It got better before, I need to strengthen my lungs so it'll get better again. The way to do that is with slowing increasing exercise. So, that's what i'm going to do. 


So, That's going to be all for this post. I hope I remember to post more often. The progress is slow, very very slow, with lots of start-overs and uncertainty, and losses and gains and issues and triumphs. But i'm doing my best. 

The more I post the more I hold myself accountable. So, i'm going to try to be very very very accountable :)

We'll see how that goes.....

Another Summer almost gone....

So....

When I feel bad about myself, or any aspect of my life, I compensate with food. Food will never disappoint me. Food will never talk back. Food will always be there for me whenever I need it to be. And food will always be delicious. It's just the way it's always been for me. 

Enter my summer filled with, lets call them challenges, and dealing with them the way I always have done, by eating my feelings. It led to some pretty disastrous results. You know, more weight gain, actually being larger than a 26/28 (even though i refused to wear a bigger size on principal, resulting in a pretty rockin' "muffin top"), and taking a downward spiral in concerns with my health (pretty much I was told my blood pressure was so high I could stroke out). 

So, what can I do? Try to reverse the path I'm on, the path that leaves to an early grave. I need to address not just what I'm eating, but WHY I'm eating. I'm going to have to start acting like the addict I am. The problem is, with people addicted to drugs and alcohol, they can just stop taking the drugs.You don't need to drink alcohol to live, or snort cocaine to live. But you do have to eat to live. 

I have an actual addiction. I am addicted to food. I use food to numb my feelings. 

So, here's the thing. I always go through this. I do really well for a little while, and then something happens and I just say Screw it, and go back to my old ways. I really don't want to do that anymore. So, Again, I'm going to try.

Ok, enough with the heavy. On to some happy!!

I started changing my way of eating on 7/29/13. I'm just focusing on non processed foods. I'm eating veggies, and fruits, and protein, and nuts, lots of lettuce wraps... Just trying to stay away from carbs (because Carbs are my trigger food, since, for me, bread is a gateway drug to cake). I know some carbs are good for you. I'm just choosing to get my carbs from fruits and veggies. 

Since changing my way of eating, I've lost 15 lbs. But I'm sure most of that is from the water pill the doctor prescribed me so I don't stroke out walking up some stairs. It still feels good none the less. I do attribute my success to using chocolate protein powder in my coffee in the morning, which gives me my chocolate fix without all the sugar (but tricks my brain into thinking it's a Mocha from Starbucks, kinda like nicotine gum to smokers). The brand I'm using is Unjury, found at www.unjury.com . Very tasty and good for you. I encourage you to check it out! 

Okay, to put an end to this bummer of a post, I have a funny story. Well, I think it's funny...

The Hubs and I went to Costco this weekend. We LOVE Costco. It's great. Anyhoo, before we leave we would always stop by the snack bar and get one of their Very Berry Sundaes, with chocolate ice cream. It's usually the highlight of our stop. Well, needless to say, I didn't get one, but Hubby did. So, here we are in the car, and Hubs hands me his sundae to hold so he can shift the stupid manual transmission. I just stare at this sundae. It looks so good and cool and yummy. I know how good it would taste. So, I frown at it, it stares at me, and I start singing "You don't own me, I'm not just one of your little toys, you don't own me ...." Ala First Wives Club and it made me feel better, and made the hubby laugh. Because I'm a weirdo who sings songs to ice cream.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_oFL_b719g

Have a great Week, or month, or year.... because I'm horrible at posting...

Umm... Hi? It's been a while...

I'm weak. Very Very Weak. I had a really bad lapse. And I didn't blog because that would have made me accountable for all the bad things I was doing. The worse part is that I gained. A Lot. Most that I lost.

It's so easy to fall into that mindset that I don't matter. It's really easy to blame everything around me for my lapse. The truth is All I have to blame is myself. And try to get back on the wagon. 

Sot that's what I'm going to do. Try.

This is going to be a long process. It's going to take Years to get to how I want to look. My problem is I want instant gratification. I want to look good now. I want to feel better now. Because food is the ultimate form of instant gratification for me. I know that if I'm sad, or stressed, or feeling bad about myself, that binging on a bunch of sugary deliciousness is going to make me feel better. At least while I'm eating it. Afterwards I'm left feeling fat and disgusting. Which makes me want to eat more. It's a horrible vicious cycle. One that I've been on most of my life. 

So, I'm starting over.

My Name is Beth, and I'm addicted to food. 
I weight 365 lbs, last I checked.
I'm a size 26/28.
I don't have a goal weight. Because weight doesn't matter.
I want to be a size 14.
I want to be able to shop in the Regular size section. 
I want to be able to hike with my Husband and actually keep up with him and not slow him down.
I want to be able to Ride Harry Potter.
I want to feel good about myself.

Today is the day I stop making excuses and just do it.

Good Luck to me