Hi again! It's ME! Squishy!

So...

HI!!

I've warned you all (you know, all of you fictional people who read my blog) that I'm horrible with follow through. I've proven it again and again. But, as my mom always used to tell me, You take your friends for who they are and not who you want them to be. This is me people. Horrible with follow through.

So... it's been more than 6 months since my last post, and a lot has happened in those more than 6 months. The most exciting of which was my wonderfully long vacation with the Hubby. The worst of which was the re-emergence of my adolescent asthma.

For our wonderfully long vacation, the Hubbs and I took the aforementioned cruise to the Caribbean. I would like to say that I was able to walk on the sandy beaches without snow shoes, but... It probably would have been much easier. White sand beaches are very pretty, but the sand is so fine that my feet sunk into them like a warm knife cuts through butter. So, yeah. It was great exercise though! Also, Squishy+super humidity+HOT does not a very comfortable squishy make. I melted like, well, like a Squishy Girl in the Caribbean. I constantly looked like I just took a dunk into the pool. Gross, yes, but I blended in quite nicely with the people who did just dunk into the pool. I felt like a cool kid, but only sticky and smelly. At least the Hubbs and I had a great time!! I will say that I threw my self consciousness out the door and wore what was comfortable to me ( no sleeves, it was actually rather hard). 

Before the cruise Tim and I took a trip to Disney. I have always been a Disney fanatic. I love Disney. Much more than Harry Potter, and for much longer. I can sing every single Disney Princesses' song from memory at a moment's notice. I can't tell you enough how much of a Disney freak I am. Anyhoo, back to Disney World. I have to say every single ride I wanted to ride I fit in!! Without a problem what so ever. It was such a great experience, one that left me feeling great about myself, not miserable and depressed like the Universal experience. So, if you have any doubts about Disney, do not worry your beautiful plus size body!! I'm a size 26, 355 lbs, wear a 44D (I like the girls to look perky ;) ) and 5' 6 1/2 " (the 1/2" is very important when your husband is 6'4") and fit into everything. Space Mountain, Everest.... Every single Ride I tried. It was great. And Fun. And I want to be Maleficent.

So, I mentioned the reemergence of my childhood asthma. I had had an upper respiratory infection in September that I just couldn't shake off. So next thing I know I'm at work and I cant breath, it's a very scary feeling, so the Nurses who work in my area forced me to go to the ER and I ended up being admitted for 2 days. It sucked. after I got out, everything was hard, breathing was hard, walking was hard, and I was afraid to do anything. So I used it as an excuse. I used it as an excuse for a long time. I'm feeling better now, but I still have to take an inhaler every day. And it is hard for me to walk long distances because my lungs start to hurt. But i'm going to stop using it as an excuse and work through it. It got better before, I need to strengthen my lungs so it'll get better again. The way to do that is with slowing increasing exercise. So, that's what i'm going to do. 


So, That's going to be all for this post. I hope I remember to post more often. The progress is slow, very very slow, with lots of start-overs and uncertainty, and losses and gains and issues and triumphs. But i'm doing my best. 

The more I post the more I hold myself accountable. So, i'm going to try to be very very very accountable :)

We'll see how that goes.....

Another Summer almost gone....

So....

When I feel bad about myself, or any aspect of my life, I compensate with food. Food will never disappoint me. Food will never talk back. Food will always be there for me whenever I need it to be. And food will always be delicious. It's just the way it's always been for me. 

Enter my summer filled with, lets call them challenges, and dealing with them the way I always have done, by eating my feelings. It led to some pretty disastrous results. You know, more weight gain, actually being larger than a 26/28 (even though i refused to wear a bigger size on principal, resulting in a pretty rockin' "muffin top"), and taking a downward spiral in concerns with my health (pretty much I was told my blood pressure was so high I could stroke out). 

So, what can I do? Try to reverse the path I'm on, the path that leaves to an early grave. I need to address not just what I'm eating, but WHY I'm eating. I'm going to have to start acting like the addict I am. The problem is, with people addicted to drugs and alcohol, they can just stop taking the drugs.You don't need to drink alcohol to live, or snort cocaine to live. But you do have to eat to live. 

I have an actual addiction. I am addicted to food. I use food to numb my feelings. 

So, here's the thing. I always go through this. I do really well for a little while, and then something happens and I just say Screw it, and go back to my old ways. I really don't want to do that anymore. So, Again, I'm going to try.

Ok, enough with the heavy. On to some happy!!

I started changing my way of eating on 7/29/13. I'm just focusing on non processed foods. I'm eating veggies, and fruits, and protein, and nuts, lots of lettuce wraps... Just trying to stay away from carbs (because Carbs are my trigger food, since, for me, bread is a gateway drug to cake). I know some carbs are good for you. I'm just choosing to get my carbs from fruits and veggies. 

Since changing my way of eating, I've lost 15 lbs. But I'm sure most of that is from the water pill the doctor prescribed me so I don't stroke out walking up some stairs. It still feels good none the less. I do attribute my success to using chocolate protein powder in my coffee in the morning, which gives me my chocolate fix without all the sugar (but tricks my brain into thinking it's a Mocha from Starbucks, kinda like nicotine gum to smokers). The brand I'm using is Unjury, found at www.unjury.com . Very tasty and good for you. I encourage you to check it out! 

Okay, to put an end to this bummer of a post, I have a funny story. Well, I think it's funny...

The Hubs and I went to Costco this weekend. We LOVE Costco. It's great. Anyhoo, before we leave we would always stop by the snack bar and get one of their Very Berry Sundaes, with chocolate ice cream. It's usually the highlight of our stop. Well, needless to say, I didn't get one, but Hubby did. So, here we are in the car, and Hubs hands me his sundae to hold so he can shift the stupid manual transmission. I just stare at this sundae. It looks so good and cool and yummy. I know how good it would taste. So, I frown at it, it stares at me, and I start singing "You don't own me, I'm not just one of your little toys, you don't own me ...." Ala First Wives Club and it made me feel better, and made the hubby laugh. Because I'm a weirdo who sings songs to ice cream.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_oFL_b719g

Have a great Week, or month, or year.... because I'm horrible at posting...

Umm... Hi? It's been a while...

I'm weak. Very Very Weak. I had a really bad lapse. And I didn't blog because that would have made me accountable for all the bad things I was doing. The worse part is that I gained. A Lot. Most that I lost.

It's so easy to fall into that mindset that I don't matter. It's really easy to blame everything around me for my lapse. The truth is All I have to blame is myself. And try to get back on the wagon. 

Sot that's what I'm going to do. Try.

This is going to be a long process. It's going to take Years to get to how I want to look. My problem is I want instant gratification. I want to look good now. I want to feel better now. Because food is the ultimate form of instant gratification for me. I know that if I'm sad, or stressed, or feeling bad about myself, that binging on a bunch of sugary deliciousness is going to make me feel better. At least while I'm eating it. Afterwards I'm left feeling fat and disgusting. Which makes me want to eat more. It's a horrible vicious cycle. One that I've been on most of my life. 

So, I'm starting over.

My Name is Beth, and I'm addicted to food. 
I weight 365 lbs, last I checked.
I'm a size 26/28.
I don't have a goal weight. Because weight doesn't matter.
I want to be a size 14.
I want to be able to shop in the Regular size section. 
I want to be able to hike with my Husband and actually keep up with him and not slow him down.
I want to be able to Ride Harry Potter.
I want to feel good about myself.

Today is the day I stop making excuses and just do it.

Good Luck to me

Bah Humbug....

Why is Christmas so hard? Why do there have to be treats every where I look? Why do they have to be so delicious? Why can't I just look at a tray of goodies and say "No thank you"? Why must I feel the need to sample one of everything? Why must everybody bring in treats to work every day? Why can't I just resist? It's because I'm weak and addicted to sugar? Oh, that makes sense. Stupid tasty sugar and it's addictive ways. There are plenty of people who can resist the allure that is holiday sugary goodness, but I'm not one of those people. 

Seriously. Following a diet in spring summer and fall are easy. There's fresh vegetables and fruit everywhere and they're super cheap. The weather is nice so you can go do outdoorsy stuff like hiking and swimming and things of that nature. People bring in fresh veggies and fruits from their gardens and encourage you to have some. It's great. You just feel more energized and motivated to look good in a swim suit. 

In winter, you get to wear baggy clothes that hide your cookie belly. In winter, every where you turn there's hot chocolate and cookies and pumpkin flavored lattes and baked goods. There's cookie exchanges and holiday parties with mini sized foods (which trick you into thinking they're better for you). Families get together to eat lovingly made holiday feasts (the love being butter). It's perfectly acceptable to walk around eating everything in site. And the worst part is when you try to resist people look at you like you just insulted Santa Clause's mother. Seriously, it sucks.

It's really hard to be motivated to go to the gym when you have to put on a parka and mittens and scrape the frost off your windshield first. Then when you leave the gym your sweat freezes on your skin and you have to scrape your windows again. I wish I actually had room in my house for a treadmill that I would look at and have to use because I'd feel guilty with it just sitting there and judging me. 

I know I want to lose weight and feel better about myself. It's just hard. And this time of year just makes it harder. Maybe I'll make a new year's resolution to follow last year's new year's resolution to go the gym more. Also, I'm going to put this on my fridge so I don't try to sneak any more ice cream...

and

Finally... I've lost another pound!

Hallelujah.... the scale is finally going down! I do admit that I have an unhealthy obsession with checking my weight a million times a day. I also admit I get ridiculously aggravated when I haven't lost any weight. I know that you can't lose weight every day. I know that losing 1-2 pounds a week is healthy. But I want to lose MORE. I'm all about instant gratification, which is why I tend to give up so easily on everything. Eating chocolate is pleasurable. Eating veggies suck.

Update: I did go home after my last blog post and play my dance game and played it for an hour. By the end I was sweating profusely, I couldn't breathe, and I swore I was going to vomit. It was awful. And Painful. My back hurt for days. I did get up to level 14 so that's good. I haven't played it again though, because My hubby was home over the weekend and we were too busy playing COD to do anything else. I'm also on overnights this week and by the time I get home Hubby is playing COD by himself. I'm sure if I asked him he'd let me play my game, but then he sits there and watches me and offers suggestions on how to do it better. It drives my crazy.

Speaking of driving me crazy, my husband is an ass. I'm trying so hard to be good and not eat all the delicious processed junk foods that are in the house and he has the audacity of continuing to offer me bites of ice cream and cookies and the like. I say no repeatedly but a fat girl's will power can only withstand so much. 

I know I have an addictive personality and my drug of choice is carbs. I love carbs of all kinds. If given the opportunity I would bathe in sugar. Offering me carbs is like offering liquor to an alcoholic. Can I resist? Yes. Do I want to? Kinda. Is it easy? Oh hell no. I want to go all Gallum on that shit and horde it in my cave. I want to eat it, and love it, and squeeze it, and bring it for long walks on the beach. I would give anything to be like my husband and be able to eat a whole quart of ice cream in one sitting and not gain any weight. It sickens me when he's in the bathroom and I hear "You're not feeding my enough Squishy, I've lost another pound." If I didn't love the bastard I swear I'd murder him in cold blood and bury him underneath the basement floor. 

Okay. So, ranting over. At this point I'm feeling pretty hopeful that things are starting to go my way again. I've been more conscious of what I'm eating and I've started to take the stairs instead and also to take the long way around at work. I'm positive that these small changes will have an impact on my progress. Maybe people will start commenting on my diminishing waist line again. It feels nice when people recognize the hard work I'm putting into it. 

I realize that I'm going to be working for the rest of my life. This will never be easy. I'm going to do my best.

I'm a Terrible Blogger...

I swear I don't mean to ignore my blog. But if I blog I actually have to take ownership of the fact that I'm a bad exerciser and diet follower. I mean seriously bad. I can't motivate myself to go to the gym and "free days" are running rampant. I blame work stress. And the deliciousness of processed foods. And Chocolate. I always blame chocolate. 

Work stress has caused me to be unable to sleep at night, which in turn causes me to only sleep for a few hours during the day, which in turn causes me to be tired and cranky and crave chocolate and processed deliciousness, which in turn makes me not want to go to the gym and to say "Another free day won't kill me". Free days have caused my waist line to NOT get smaller. At least it hasn't gotten bigger again.

So. I need motivation.

Here is a picture of Cartagena, Columbia. One of the places I'll be visiting on our cruise.

I want to be able to walk along that beach with my hubby and not be winded after 5 feet. Walking in sand is hard when you're as heavy as I am because all you do is sink. I practically need snow shoes to be able to accomplish it and who wears snow shoes on a beach in summer? Oh, Nobody. That's right.

Here's Palm Beach in Aruba.

I want to be able to swim on that beach and not be mistaken for a baby killer whale. That is why I do not wear black and white swim suits. It's always been my fear to get eaten by sharks because they thought I was a baby killer whale.

Here is a picture of Doris Mayday, whom I aspire to look like. Except I'd be brunette. I'd look horrible as a blonde.

I want to be able to wear retro style dresses and take pictures in front of awesome classic cars. I want grown men to drool at the sight of me. I want to be a model for the Bettie Page store. I could get down with wearing a girdle. Look at that waist!

Here is a picture of red patent leather high heel shoes.
                                         
                                           

I've always wanted to wear a pair of "stripper heels" as hubby calls them. I call then "F*ck Me" pumps. These of course would be worn with a retro style dress to create the whole "I'm one Hot Mama" persona. Right now I can't even stand in a pair of these. My poor ankles just can't handle the strain. 380 pounds was not meant to rest squarely on tip toes and ankles. It's painful. And dangerous. And Painful...

Here is a picture of a wall.

Well, I don't have a picture of a wall. You can relate back to my first post about what I want to do against a wall... Although, I'm sure you can imagine after my comment about the heels...

So. There's some motivation for me. Tonight I'm going to exercise at home. I have Dance Central 3 so I will play that for 30 min. Dancing is exercise. At least then I'll be earning Xbox Rewards. 

We'll see how that goes...

Okay, so I'm horrible with follow through...

Oops.... My bad...

So...
Apparently I'm bad at following through with my plans. I swear I intended to post at least once a week. But as it seems to go with all of my plans, I just simply kept putting it off. I'm a procrastinator through and through and I always simply said, maybe I'll write tomorrow. That seemed to be the theme of a recent week with my diet as well. "Oh, I'll just have a free day and try again tomorrow." It didn't seem to work out too well. But, that's behind me and I'm starting to get serious again.

So, now I really have a goal. Hubby (pictured above) and I will be going on an 11 day Caribbean Cruise next October, and it is my goal to be down to a size 14. That would be amazing because I haven't been a size 14 since I was in middle school. Yes, I realize this is sad, but I did say that I've been fat my entire life and maybe now you can believe it. In fact, I started shopping in the women's section when I was in 4th grade.  And of course this was around the time that the movie "Free Willy" was popular, so you can guess what I heard quite a bit...

Anyway, onto results.  This is week I don't remember and I'm at 352 pounds. So, I've lost 3 pounds since my last post, and considering that I've been yo-yoing so much on my diet lately, I say that is an excellent thing. I'm starting to realize that I actually need to work at this thing. Which sucks, because I'm not so good at working at anything. But I'm trying. I really want to be able to wear "normal" size clothes. And Retro Style Dresses, as I've mentioned in a previous post. I want to be able to snorkel and swim and frolic during our cruise and not worry about dry heaving from too much activity.

The procrastination theme is also present in my exercising efforts as well. I haven't been taking my daily walk and I feel that is a big part as to why I have been yo-yoing and been generally low spirited. I think that week changed my brain chemistry. I will say that exercising that much did really help with my trip to Chicago Hubby and I took around our anniversary. We walked all day every day for that whole weekend. We even walked from Navy Pier to the Field Museum to the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower to Millennium Park (which is when I finally had enough and Tim walked back to Navy Pier to pick up the car). That is over 4 miles. It was torture. A great way to see Chicago, but torture none the less. If I had walked a mile every day the week before I swear I would have collapsed. We did have fun though, and I guess that's all that really matters in these types of things.

Hubbs and I being Weirdos...

So, onward I go into my journey of weight loss. I still wish there was some sort of magic pill that I could take that would make the weight come off. Or some type of cancer that only effects the fat cells that you want to get rid of.  I'm off my long stretch of night shifts so it'll be easier for me to get back into the gym. I find it much easier to go when I get off work at 11 pm because I just head straight for Cybex. When I get off work at 7 am I just want to head straight to my pillow. So, maybe I'll get back to my strangely joyful habit of walking a mile each day. And then I can start dabbling in weight training again so I can get some guns and some abs...

We'll see how that goes...