Squishy Vs. The Treadmill

Hi Everybody!! (Hi Doctor Nick!!) (Simpsons Reference)

I've been implementing the Move More portion of my East Less Move More regime... No, not regime. Regime sounds like I'm being forced into it.  Diet? No, diet is wrong, has too much of a negative connotation. Super Fun Time Exercise? Maybe, but doesn't have enough pizzazz (and I'm not a Hello Kitty enthusiast). How about Eat Less Move More Extravaganza!!! Yeah we'll go with that. That sounds fun.

I've been implementing the move more portion of my Eat Less Move More Extravaganza. I've started to walk more at work, and make an effort to either take Satan's Stairs or walk the long way around to avoid Satan's Stairs and use the back elevators at work. I will tell you that this long way is about 1/4 mile while Satan's Stairs lead straight to my desk. So, I feel either way I'm moving more than I did before. This has been going swimmingly, and has an added bonus of getting me away from my desk and away from annoying people asking my really annoying questions.

So, along with walking more at work, I have taken to going to my husband's employer Cybex, which makes exercise equipment like treadmills and the anti-Christ (known as the Arc Trainer). Because they make these fancy uber gym quality fitness machines, they have said uber fancy machines in a show room that acts as the company gym. I've explained this before, but it was along time ago, and I don't expect the NEW fictional people who are reading my blog to go back to read older posts. The point being that I've started to use the treadmill most every day. I try to go everyday, unless I'm uber tired and my body feels like it's starting a mutiny. I still walk more at work though, so even on those days I feel like I'm accomplishing something.

So, firstly, I have to get the ambition to get into my car and drive to Cybex. I can usually accomplish this because I just leave when Hubby goes to work, since he works overnights, and there's no way on God's Green Earth that I'm going to get the ambition to wake up before 6 AM to go exercise. No way, no how. I know myself too well and that is never going to happen. Unless I didn't actually go to sleep and I'm still up for some reason before 6 am and I happen to become insane and want to walk on the treadmill before I'm able to sleep. If that happens, I expect Hubby to take me to the proper authorities and get me help, because that means I'm too far gone and will not be coming back to him, I'll be in my own cheerfully morbid world where Zombies are found Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and they're eating that little bluebird who wouldn't shut up about how cool he was that he was able to so happily fly all the way over the rainbow with his stupid blue bird wings. Jackass. 

Hehe, I love google image search...

Secondly, on the drive to Cybex, I have to pass by a gaggle of fast food restaurants, my nemesises (nemisi? what is the plural to nemesis.... I just googled it, and it's nemeses... seriously). Here's the list that I pass on my way to exercise: Applebees, Dairy Queen, Jimmy Johns, Papa Murphy's, Starbucks, Chinese Takeout called Asian Kitchen, FroYo, KFC, Arby's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, and Target which has another Starbucks inside. I don't live in a very large town, but the road I drive in which to get to the treadmill does pass over a major freeway, which is why there are so many fast food places.  I swear I should receive a freaking medal each and every time I drive by without stopping and getting and devouring any form of the deliciously unhealthy carb options that are vended at these places. Taco Bell sells freaking deep fried dough with freaking frosting inside. I could happily eat my weight in those freaking things. 

When I see these I wanna go all Homer Simpson on Doughnuts.... (hehe, another Simpsons reference)

Thirdly, I have to gather the ambition to actually get out of my car when I arrive because there always seems to be another person there. I'm an introvert. I don't particularly like interacting with people that I don't know. Yes, I have a very social job where I interact with people on a constant basis, but I'm getting paid to do that, and I go home and crash and don't want to speak to anybody else for the rest of the evening. ( I sometimes think that I need a sign that says Warning: Introvert. Becomes socially awkward and uncomfortable when forcibly engaged in conversations with strangers.) My defense here is to put in my ear buds and start my playlist, keep my head down, and don't make eye contact. It usually works.

Look! They make do make a sign!!

Fourthly, I have to actually get on the freaking treadmill and actually start it. There are all these different programs, and I don't want the treadmill to think I'm a wuss, so I always feel like I need to push myself a little more than I probably should. There are these special weight loss programs where they simulate hills and whatnot. I guess walking on hilly terrain is going to help me loose my girth? Anyhoo, I go with it. 

The first day, I was able to walk a mile. It's took me like 25 minutes and I was sweating like a pig, but I did it. The great thing about the treadmills at Cybex is there is a fan that you can have pointed right at your face. It really really helps me, because I cant stand when my face feels like it's going to go all Raiders of the Lost Ark and melt off....

To me it really does feel as unpleasant as you would think this would feel..

The second day, I was able to walk 1.5 miles in like 34 mins. That really almost killed me. I felt like I was going to die anyway. Seriously. But again I pulled through. This was all done around 2.5 miles per hour. Which I'm told is actually a slow walking pace. Slow my ass. Jackasses. 

This week, I was up to walking 30 minutes straight at 3.0 mph. I even "sprinted" for 1 min at 4 mph. Although, I think I pushed myself too hard because today I felt like my whole entire body was pissed off at me and started to shut down. Perhaps I'm just coming down with something, but really, I think it's my fat going into survival mode. It's perfectly happy where it is and doesn't want to leave. Well, those bitches can just accept the inevitable, because they're going down! Fat be Gone!! Hallelujah!! (I'm kinda tired and may be starting to go insane, hopefully Hubby already has the number for the closest mental health facility). 

So, anyhoo, I'm making progress. And it feels really great!! I even had pizza this week and it didn't send me into an unhealthy eating binge where I grab at every carb in sight and stuff it in my face. See...? Progress!! 

Accountability Time!! I've lost 15 lbs since I started to get serious. Which was about 2 weeks ago, when I started to keep track of what I was eating and starting to move more. I do want to reiterate that I'm not doing this to become a certain size, I'm doing this to feel better. I started to feel horribly terrible absolutely everyday, getting heart burn, constantly having to run to the bathroom due to digestive distress, never ever having any energy, and getting severely depressed. It was at that time that I stepped on the scale and realized I had eaten myself to 378 pounds. I realized then that I really did need to change. I've been doing well, and realize now that I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be so strict with myself, that's it's okay to have bad days, I just need to try. This is my new mantra:

    (Delightfully cheerful Mantra for the win!!)