Struggling

I'm struggling, not going to lie. I've been struggling ever since I came back from vacation.  The day before I left I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 303. I came back from vacation at 317. Not terrible as I basically went bat shit crazy and ate all the things. But I just haven't been able to get my head back in the game and have been fluctuating between 315-325. One week I'm higher and the next week I eat well and get back down to 315 and then I freak out again and gain it back. 

I think my problem is I was too close to a major milestone. I was only 4 lbs away from being under 300 pounds for the first time since high school and I lost it. I don't deal with change well. At all. And this was going to be a major change, and I didn't know who I'd be if I were to actually cross that line. 

I still am proud of the progress I made over that past year. I ended the year being healthier than I started it. That is all I can ask of myself. 

So, in the spirit of Lent (even though I am not catholic) I've decided that I am going to give up doubting myself and the self loathing that comes with feeling like I'm making bad decisions. I'm going back to the way I was a year ago at this time by making one small change at a time. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods and whenever I feel a craving for something be it potato chips or ice cream or all the things unhealthy I plan on just distracting myself with other things like exercise, violent video games, and coloring books containing swear words...



I just really need to reset my brain. I also have to give myself permission to succeed. We'll see how that goes. 

Progress Pics .... For no apparent reason...

So... Whenever I take a picture of myself lately, and I like to take lots of pictures with the hubby (because he's smoking hot) I look at them and don't recognize myself. It's like "where did those clavicles come from? And since when do I have a discernible jaw line? Where's my 3rd chin?!?" Not gonna lie... Kinda freaks me out...

This is what I see in my Head...

I Don't Have a Neck

But Apparently... This is what I look like now...

Where did that neck come from?!?

Totally freaking me out! I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Like I'm all hot and stuff now? I'm not abominable snowman white anymore, I'm all tan and stuff. Like I have cheekbones again... 

Again. These are me from last year. Like Roley Poley but adorable...

These are me from this last month. Totally happy with my 75 lb weight loss... 

So...

Progress report:

Highest Weight: 378 lbs

Current Weight: 303 lbs

Total Weight Lost (but never to be found): 75 lbs

This means I am 25 lbs away from 100 lbs lost, which is like 67% of my goal. My goal is to be in Onderland for the first time in forever...

And I think I'll get there...

Eventually...

Wish me luck!!

Squishy Vs. Rewards

Hi Everybody!! (Hi Dr. Nick!)

I totally do...

So. Progress Report!!
Starting Weight: 378
Current Weight: 307.6

I've lost 70 pounds. I really can't believe I've done so well. I've never made it this far before. It's been 8 months, and I haven't thrown in the proverbial towel.  Maybe I really do have a handle on this stuff!!

Happy Dance!!

I am kinda scared though, because that means I'm roughly only 8 pounds away from the 200s. I haven't been there since high school. The lowest I can remember knowing my weight was in 11th grade where we were weighed in gym class (285), and the teacher posted the highest and lowest weight and did an average for the class. I was humiliated, because I was obviously the heaviest person. So, what did I do? Went and ate some chocolate. I also have an irrational hatred of sports ballads (like The Final Countdown) because our gym teacher made us run to them, and if somebody stopped running and started to walk we had to start from the beginning of the song.... Evil Evil Evil High School Gym Teacher....

So. I'm freaking out a bit because I kinda don't know what to do with myself anymore. And Freaking Out to me is going crazy with not keeping track of what I am eating, and allow myself too many treats. Because I've always rewarded myself with food. Every milestone has always been celebrated with food. Birthdays, anniversaries, getting through a hellish day at work.. all celebrated with food. I have to get out of that habit. 

One of the non-food rewards I've been giving myself is fauxdora (fake pandora) charms on a charm bracelet. Every 10 lbs I get a new charm. It's been fun, except it's taken me all summer to lose 15 pounds because, again, I lose a little, realize how close I am to a certain milestone, and then freak the F*CK out. But, the bracelet thing is going well. 

I have an idea for when I lose 100 lbs. I want to get a tattoo. I have a little one on my ankle, and I've always wanted to get another one. I love tattoos. I just think they're beautiful. It's just hard to pick out what I would want to permanently put on my body. I know I want some sort of a plus size pin-up, since I'm a huge fan on pin up art. But then, where do I go to get the tattoo done? I don't know anyone with a lot of ink, and have no idea where I even start to research it. 

So. Yeah. Overwhelming. Which leads me to freak out.

I'm sensing a pattern...

Squishy's Back in the Swing of Things

Well. Looks who's back. And with a new attitude (I think that's a song, but I'm not sure ((it totally is, I just googled it. Pattie LaBelle, And now I wish I could do one of those musical montages where all my problems are solved in the space of one song. Alas, my life is not a movie (((yet))) so, I must put in the hard work and dedication... ))).

In the last couple of months I've went from caring too much and taking everything way too seriously to caring too little and becoming Loki for a while (I did what I wanted, without the homicidal tendencies).

MMMmmmmmm..... Lokie......

What was I talking about? 

Get out of my head Tom!!!

Oh, yes. New attitude.

I've realized something about myself. I'm one tough cookie (this time). In the midst of all the craziness, I have never given up. Sure, I had bad days, but I knew that I wasn't throwing everything away when I ate that entire bag of potato chips. I knew that I was having a moment of weakness, not a moment of failure. Sure, I lost and gained the same 7 pounds a few times in the past month and a half, but the point is I still was trying. 

I have a perfect example of the progress of my acumen in regards to weight loss...
While on the treadmill, I have the urge to run. Like, I actually run. It may be slower than a snail on ketomine, but I run. I was even walking around my work the other day, and just wanted to start running... The point being that I don't run. I've never in my life felt the 
urge to run. I swear I didn't have a fight or flight response, I had a "eh" response. 

"Oh no that big scary thing is chasing me?!? Eh, it was a good life with so much yummy chocolate... "

But now I find myself actually enjoying exercise, and enjoying running. I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes straight this week. And I felt great afterwards. I didn't feel like I was going to fall over dead due to lack of breathing ability. This is crazy to me. Progress!!

Speaking of progress...
(insert trumpet fanfare here)

Highest Weight: 378 lbs
Current Weight: 317 lbs

I have to date lost a total of 61 lbs. I'm super excited about it. Like super duper I can't even tell you how excited about it I am. It's also super encouraging. 

I think I'm beginning to find balance. I know what I need to eat and how  much I need to work to keep on keeping on. I also know that it's okay to have a maple persian donut once in a while....

hehehe.... Cant talk about donuts and not show Homer...

Hey, I'm finally getting the hang of this long term weight loss stuff...

Go figure!

P.S. I really do love my husband. I swear. It's just... Tom Hiddleston... with the eyes... and the face... and the ears... and the acting ablility.... 
I guess I just like lanky tall men with light brown hair and ginger beards...
Good thing I married one!!

Dayum, my man is Smokin....

Squishy Vs. Fear of the Unknown

This is going to be a heavy post. So Sorry. I'm usually funny, I think, maybe... Sorta? This is something I need to get out though.

I've been doing reasonably well in my weight loss efforts. Well, more than reasonably, I've lost 60 pounds in 6 months. I know that's awesome, and I feel awesome about it, but I know I could have lost more if I had applied myself. I've realized something in the past few days. I'm scared. 

I've been fat my entire life. I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" weight. This is really the first time where I can imagine losing enough weight to no longer be morbidly obese. This is the first time where I can imagine that I can actually get healthy. This is terrifying. 

My weight has been my identity my entire life. I've always been the pretty fat girl. What will I be if I'm not fat anymore? I want to believe that losing the weight won't change me, but i'm actually scared that it will. Will I still be the same cheerfully morbid person I've always been? Or will I become one of those skinny bitches that silently judges people for eating a cupcake while I chew on my carrot sticks? It's really terrifying to me.

So, I've been losing weight, but I haven't been putting 100 percent into it 100 percent of the time. I'm like 50% of the time at 100% and the other 50% I'm at like 71.8%. I know I can be doing better, but I also know I could do worse. 

So. This is where I'm at. I want to do better, but I'm also scared to do better. The smallest I remember being is a size 18 when I was 13 years old. By the time I graduated high school I was at a size 24. My highest was a size 28 pushing a size 30 (but i refused to believe it and forced myself into a size 26). I know I'm smaller than a 26 now because I can pull the pants off without even having to use the zipper, but I'm too scared to try a size down, and I don't really want to buy any more clothing. I've gone shopping but just can't get myself to even try anything on.

So. I'm going to keep plugging along and try to figure out a way to separate my weight from my identity. 

Squishy Vs. Zoodles

So...

The number one thing I miss the most since I've started eating healthier is Pasta. I am a pasta addict. I love it. I could eat it for every meal and not get sick of it. I would gladly glutton myself with any kind of pasta with just a touch of butter and Parmesan cheese. Truly, nothing in this world is more appealing to me than this...

MMMmmm Pasta.....

Sorry Ducky.....

So, I know pasta is my weakness. I am incapable of only having one serving. I can stay away from copious amounts of ice cream, and cakes, and cookies, and potato chips, and deliciousness of that nature. But put some cooked pasta in front of me and I will stuff it into my mouth hole to the point of getting sick. This is why I avoid it as much as possible. I'd rather eat it at a restaurant (like Olive Garden) where I'm given a set amount, than make it in my house and consume my weight in it.

Enter the Spiralizer... I've been reading a bunch of "weightloss" recipe blogs and have come across the idea of Zoodles, or zucchini noodles, quite a few times. I like zucchini, so I thought I'd give it a try. 

I bought a Paderno Spiralizer on from amazon here and it came within 2 days (gotta Love Prime). Oh, by the way, I'm not a paid tryer outer person. I don't know how one does that, but I would LOVE to do that! If you, the fictional person reading my blog are someone who tracks who links to your website put me down! I would gladly be a tryer outer person! :)

Anyway. It came in the mail Monday, and I tried it out on some radishes first, on my mother's insistence, and it worked great! Now, I hate radishes, they taste like spicy dirt, but my mom said they were good! So, I was encouraged to try it on some zucchini...

It was super fun! Like you put the zucchini on the thing and spin it around and big long strands of Zoodles come out!! Like Super Really Long NOODLES!! Now I'm not demented, really, so I know they're not actually noodles. They are vegetables parading as noodles. But, with the yummy Italian turkey sausage marinara I made, I was almost fooled. I mean, look at these:

Oodles of Zoodles....

 They were super tasty and you could twirl them around your fork just like regular pasta. Plus, I like zucchini with tomato sauce. It was totally enough to satisfy my pasta craving. Hubby loved it too, he ate most of it. So, no leftover for me :( 

The next night I had to try it again, and decided to make Sweet Potato Noodles. So I made Sweet Potato Lo Mein with Teriyaki Chicken. I must say, the sweet potatoes weren't as easy as the zucchini. But, I tried cutting in half and that worked out great. I loved them. Hubby said they were too sweet, but I did make homemade teriyaki sauce, and probably put more brown sugar than I needed to. Oh well, there's always next time. But, they sure looked delicious!

So, right now I am in love with my spiralizer and want to use it on everything. Hubby was wondering if it would be possible to spiralize cheese. I intend to find out. So, for now:

Squishy Vs. DOMS

O.k. This makes absolutely no sense to me. In order to build stronger muscles you must TEAR THEM APART?!? Like seriously? You work out so hard your muscles start shaking and you feel like you're going to fall over and and die and that's a good thing? Like people do this regularly? On purpose?!? Craziness!!

I had a pretty lazy Sunday, where I barely moved at all. It was fabulous. I wasn't a total slouch last weekend though. Saturday was Date Night with Ducky. 

Yes, He needs a haircut... Yes, I need a dye job...

We went to Costco, and the MOA (Mall of America for all you non-Minnesotans), and to Whole Foods (I honestly think Heaven smells like Whole Foods). We walked around a lot. I think my pedometer said like 1 million miles (more like 5 miles, but that's a lot for me). We finished the night with a romantic (well, kinda, it was dark...) dinner at Big Bowl. I had Japanese pan noodles. They were super tasty. And Dessert. We Had an amazing Dessert. I had a few bites, Ducky wanted to lick the plate. 

Mmmmm... Chocolate Lava Cake...

Anyhoo. After my lazy Sunday, I had thought I better really get a good workout in. I had made the treadmill my bitch the whole week before, and I was bored with it and thought I'd switch back to some exercise videos. So, I went to good old Daily Burn on my xbox, and to the True Beginner program (this host is the only one I've found who I don't want to punch in the face. I think it has something to do with the dimples...) I chose to do the Strength and Cardio 1 video. I had done it before, but must not have really pushed myself. This time I did. There were lunges, and squats, and jogging in place and all that jazz. By the end I was a sweaty mess and felt like I could barely stand up, but I had felt great. Until I woke up the next morning and was sore. Not too sore though. Enough where I could still function but stairs were kinda hard to do with my uber sore thighs. It got progressively worse as the day went on, and by the time I usually do my nightly workout, I was too sore to move. So, I figured I'd skip the workout and just get some sleep. Bad Idea. 

When I woke up on Wednesday, I felt like I couldn't move and just wanted to burrow my head farther into the pillows and pretend I didn't exist. Unfortunately, I'm a responsible adult and had to go to work. Every step was agony. Sitting down or getting back up made my eyes tear up. It was awful. So, a little google search later and low and behold what did I find? I had suffered from DOMS, or delayed onset muscle soreness. Apparently, after a particularly strenuous workout, your muscles literally rip apart and have to knit themselves back together, and the pain is usually worse two days after the initial workout. But, don't be dismayed because this process also is your muscles becoming stronger. I also learned that my night off made it worse, because working out actually helps ease the pain.

So, on Wednesday night, even though I felt like there were razor blades embedded in my thighs (I am prone to exaggeration) , I worked out anyway. I did a core workout that mostly involved stretching and working out my non-existent abs. And low and behold, I felt better. I woke up and Thursday morning feeling much less, but still a little, sore. And I could walk and sit down and get up without pain. 

So, what did I learn from this? To be more mindful of my body, and to push myself, but not to a crazy degree. Sure, sumo squats sound like fun, but I really shouldn't go as far down as the extremely fit host of an exercise program. 

On, the plus size ;) the plateau I had found myself in for two weeks was finally broken, and I lost 5 pounds last week. Go Squishy!