Friday, December 26, 2014

New Year's Resolutions...

So, I've always been one of those people that believe that New Year's Resolutions are a joke. They're just a way to set an unrealistic goal that ends up making you feel bad for not accomplishing it by the end of the year. It gives you fodder to say "Oh, well. I blew it again this year. Might as well finish off that chocolate cheesecake that nobody has eaten yet." Or, "Oh, crap! It's December already? I better try that new fad diet and lose some weight before New Years! I heard that (insert crazy fad diet here) works wonders!" It gives people anxiety and low self worth. Or maybe that's just me. 

This year i'm going to do something different. I'm not going to make a New Year's Resolution, I'm going to make myself a New Year's Promise. 

I promise to take better care of myself.
I promise to get back to doing the things I love.
I promise to remind myself that I matter.
I promise to spend more time being grateful for what I have.
I promise to not get discouraged when I make mistakes.
I promise to not judge myself by the standards of others.

As I've mentioned before in this blog, I'm horrible with follow through, and accountability, and I seem to be easily discouraged. So, If I don't make a goal, I wont get overwhelmed by it. I'm easily overwhelmed. This way, each day is a new day. There's no screwing up. There's no "Oh crap, I had a cookie, I'm disgusting."  

The first promise to tackle is getting back to doing things I love.

I used to love cooking. I stopped cooking what I love because I was trying to loose weight. Do you know what happened? I gained more weight. I would cook something that was "healthy" and hate it and then I'd eat a bag of potato chips because I wasn't satisfied with what I was eating. Oh, those potato chips would be amazingly tasty, so then I'd follow that with ice cream. And the ice cream would be so delicious, I'd follow that with cookies. And so on and so forth until I've eaten basically every available carb in the house. All because the meal I made was "healthy" and unsatisfying. 

This year I'm going to cook more. I'm going to cook things that I think will be fun and yummy and satisfying. The hubs has bought me these fancy pans that I've always wanted, and bought me fancy knives he's always wanted. Time for me to get some use out of them. What good are super shiny pans and super sharp knives if you don't use them? 

I also love writing. But don't take the time to do it, because A. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything to write about and B. because I haven't accomplished anything I get super down about myself and I resort to eating a years worth of chocolate in one sitting and C. because I ate an entire year's worth of chocolate in one sitting I want to crawl into bed and hide from society like the big fat failure I believe myself to be in that moment. No more thinking I'm a big fat failure! So, I'm going to try to write more. Because I love to write. I'm hilarious. In my own head. I think.

So, that's it for now. I'm going to work on my first promise to myself. I think by doing this, the others will naturally follow. Hopefully. I don't know. I'm not so good at following things. Even if it's supposed to be naturally. 

Friday, August 15, 2014

My Flawed World View

So, I have this crazy idea. 

Why do I berate myself so much for being the way I am? Why do I think I need to conform to some flawed view society has about what's beautiful and what's not? Why do I let the way others see me affect the way I see myself? 

True story: The hubs and I were at Costco, and I was feeling fabulous in my adorable poodle skirt and white cardigan and red tank top. See, how freaking cute am I?

So, Anyhoo. Costco gives out samples of food, everyday 8-5, it's great. So, there was this filled sausage thing i was sampling. I went to take a bite and the thing completely squirts on my white cardigan. It's a huge and ugly stain. A normal person would be like "Oh, oops..." and wipe it off calmly. In my flawed brain I was thinking "Oh my god. I'm disgusting. People are going to look at me and judge me and I'm just a big fat slob who has food stains all over my clothes." I freaked the F out. I started hyperventilating and crying because of the way I thought OTHER PEOPLE would see me. I covered the stain up with my hand and ran to the bathroom and tried to clean up as best as I could, but I KNEW it was there. I no longer felt fabulous. I felt disgusting and ashamed.

Seriously, that's some F!cked up Sh!t. 

So, this incident made me realize that I've been looking at this all wrong. I need to be confident in myself, Love Myself, in order to live a happy and healthy life. 

So, I've decided that I am beautiful. I'm not going to look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted with the way I look. I'm not going to step on the scale and feel depressed if I haven't lost a pound. I've spent way too much time feeling self conscious about the way I look and not allowing myself to be comfortable. Seriously, if it's 90 degrees outside why do I feel like I need to put on a sweater over a tank top? It's freaking hot! I deserve to wear a freaking tank top without worrying that people will think I'm disgusting! 

I'm going to stop focusing on my size. Size does not matter. What matter's is how I feel, and how I see myself.

I'm adorable as hell. I'm a weirdo, I'm hilarious, I have a great smile, My personality is Killer, I have beautiful Eyes. I'm also compassionate and kind. I'd do anything to make somebody smile who's having a bad day. I'm loyal to those I love. I am fun. I have a great singing voice. I'm a geek. I'm Fabulous. 

So, no more obsessing over what I eat. No more feeling like I don't matter. No more worrying what other people are going to think of me. No more feeling guilty for having a bowl of ice cream. No more obsessing over how much I weigh. No More.

I'm one Bad Ass Mother (shut your mouth)...

Monday, May 19, 2014

Hi again! It's ME! Squishy!



I've warned you all (you know, all of you fictional people who read my blog) that I'm horrible with follow through. I've proven it again and again. But, as my mom always used to tell me, You take your friends for who they are and not who you want them to be. This is me people. Horrible with follow through.

So... it's been more than 6 months since my last post, and a lot has happened in those more than 6 months. The most exciting of which was my wonderfully long vacation with the Hubby. The worst of which was the re-emergence of my adolescent asthma.

For our wonderfully long vacation, the Hubbs and I took the aforementioned cruise to the Caribbean. I would like to say that I was able to walk on the sandy beaches without snow shoes, but... It probably would have been much easier. White sand beaches are very pretty, but the sand is so fine that my feet sunk into them like a warm knife cuts through butter. So, yeah. It was great exercise though! Also, Squishy+super humidity+HOT does not a very comfortable squishy make. I melted like, well, like a Squishy Girl in the Caribbean. I constantly looked like I just took a dunk into the pool. Gross, yes, but I blended in quite nicely with the people who did just dunk into the pool. I felt like a cool kid, but only sticky and smelly. At least the Hubbs and I had a great time!! I will say that I threw my self consciousness out the door and wore what was comfortable to me ( no sleeves, it was actually rather hard). 

Before the cruise Tim and I took a trip to Disney. I have always been a Disney fanatic. I love Disney. Much more than Harry Potter, and for much longer. I can sing every single Disney Princesses' song from memory at a moment's notice. I can't tell you enough how much of a Disney freak I am. Anyhoo, back to Disney World. I have to say every single ride I wanted to ride I fit in!! Without a problem what so ever. It was such a great experience, one that left me feeling great about myself, not miserable and depressed like the Universal experience. So, if you have any doubts about Disney, do not worry your beautiful plus size body!! I'm a size 26, 355 lbs, wear a 44D (I like the girls to look perky ;) ) and 5' 6 1/2 " (the 1/2" is very important when your husband is 6'4") and fit into everything. Space Mountain, Everest.... Every single Ride I tried. It was great. And Fun. And I want to be Maleficent.

So, I mentioned the reemergence of my childhood asthma. I had had an upper respiratory infection in September that I just couldn't shake off. So next thing I know I'm at work and I cant breath, it's a very scary feeling, so the Nurses who work in my area forced me to go to the ER and I ended up being admitted for 2 days. It sucked. after I got out, everything was hard, breathing was hard, walking was hard, and I was afraid to do anything. So I used it as an excuse. I used it as an excuse for a long time. I'm feeling better now, but I still have to take an inhaler every day. And it is hard for me to walk long distances because my lungs start to hurt. But i'm going to stop using it as an excuse and work through it. It got better before, I need to strengthen my lungs so it'll get better again. The way to do that is with slowing increasing exercise. So, that's what i'm going to do. 

So, That's going to be all for this post. I hope I remember to post more often. The progress is slow, very very slow, with lots of start-overs and uncertainty, and losses and gains and issues and triumphs. But i'm doing my best. 

The more I post the more I hold myself accountable. So, i'm going to try to be very very very accountable :)

We'll see how that goes.....