Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Another Summer almost gone....


When I feel bad about myself, or any aspect of my life, I compensate with food. Food will never disappoint me. Food will never talk back. Food will always be there for me whenever I need it to be. And food will always be delicious. It's just the way it's always been for me. 

Enter my summer filled with, lets call them challenges, and dealing with them the way I always have done, by eating my feelings. It led to some pretty disastrous results. You know, more weight gain, actually being larger than a 26/28 (even though i refused to wear a bigger size on principal, resulting in a pretty rockin' "muffin top"), and taking a downward spiral in concerns with my health (pretty much I was told my blood pressure was so high I could stroke out). 

So, what can I do? Try to reverse the path I'm on, the path that leaves to an early grave. I need to address not just what I'm eating, but WHY I'm eating. I'm going to have to start acting like the addict I am. The problem is, with people addicted to drugs and alcohol, they can just stop taking the drugs.You don't need to drink alcohol to live, or snort cocaine to live. But you do have to eat to live. 

I have an actual addiction. I am addicted to food. I use food to numb my feelings. 

So, here's the thing. I always go through this. I do really well for a little while, and then something happens and I just say Screw it, and go back to my old ways. I really don't want to do that anymore. So, Again, I'm going to try.

Ok, enough with the heavy. On to some happy!!

I started changing my way of eating on 7/29/13. I'm just focusing on non processed foods. I'm eating veggies, and fruits, and protein, and nuts, lots of lettuce wraps... Just trying to stay away from carbs (because Carbs are my trigger food, since, for me, bread is a gateway drug to cake). I know some carbs are good for you. I'm just choosing to get my carbs from fruits and veggies. 

Since changing my way of eating, I've lost 15 lbs. But I'm sure most of that is from the water pill the doctor prescribed me so I don't stroke out walking up some stairs. It still feels good none the less. I do attribute my success to using chocolate protein powder in my coffee in the morning, which gives me my chocolate fix without all the sugar (but tricks my brain into thinking it's a Mocha from Starbucks, kinda like nicotine gum to smokers). The brand I'm using is Unjury, found at . Very tasty and good for you. I encourage you to check it out! 

Okay, to put an end to this bummer of a post, I have a funny story. Well, I think it's funny...

The Hubs and I went to Costco this weekend. We LOVE Costco. It's great. Anyhoo, before we leave we would always stop by the snack bar and get one of their Very Berry Sundaes, with chocolate ice cream. It's usually the highlight of our stop. Well, needless to say, I didn't get one, but Hubby did. So, here we are in the car, and Hubs hands me his sundae to hold so he can shift the stupid manual transmission. I just stare at this sundae. It looks so good and cool and yummy. I know how good it would taste. So, I frown at it, it stares at me, and I start singing "You don't own me, I'm not just one of your little toys, you don't own me ...." Ala First Wives Club and it made me feel better, and made the hubby laugh. Because I'm a weirdo who sings songs to ice cream.....

Have a great Week, or month, or year.... because I'm horrible at posting...

Friday, May 3, 2013

Umm... Hi? It's been a while...

I'm weak. Very Very Weak. I had a really bad lapse. And I didn't blog because that would have made me accountable for all the bad things I was doing. The worse part is that I gained. A Lot. Most that I lost.

It's so easy to fall into that mindset that I don't matter. It's really easy to blame everything around me for my lapse. The truth is All I have to blame is myself. And try to get back on the wagon. 

Sot that's what I'm going to do. Try.

This is going to be a long process. It's going to take Years to get to how I want to look. My problem is I want instant gratification. I want to look good now. I want to feel better now. Because food is the ultimate form of instant gratification for me. I know that if I'm sad, or stressed, or feeling bad about myself, that binging on a bunch of sugary deliciousness is going to make me feel better. At least while I'm eating it. Afterwards I'm left feeling fat and disgusting. Which makes me want to eat more. It's a horrible vicious cycle. One that I've been on most of my life. 

So, I'm starting over.

My Name is Beth, and I'm addicted to food. 
I weight 365 lbs, last I checked.
I'm a size 26/28.
I don't have a goal weight. Because weight doesn't matter.
I want to be a size 14.
I want to be able to shop in the Regular size section. 
I want to be able to hike with my Husband and actually keep up with him and not slow him down.
I want to be able to Ride Harry Potter.
I want to feel good about myself.

Today is the day I stop making excuses and just do it.

Good Luck to me