Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Victory! And then the doubts...

I have actually formally exercised 4 out of the last 5 days. That is huge and something I haven't done since I was in my uber serious weight loss mode. And the 1 day that I wasn't formally exercising I walked 12,000 steps (thanks Pokemon Go!). I'm actually quite proud of myself (and quite sore). 

I'm still trying to get over some hang ups however. 

In my mind I look Dr. Zoidberg without his shell. 

Image result for dr. zoidberg without shell

All flabby and jiggly and not in a good way. Like Things are hanging down. When I was fatter at least everything was in it's place... 
I also hate the way I look in clothes right now. Not in the whole "I'm terrified what people will think because they can see my what I've heard called a 'chastity curtain'" but because I don't feel confident in anything. Because of Things. For Reasons.

This is the part that has been scaring me away from further progress. The more weight I lose the more loose skin I will have and the more I'll look like the picture above. I'm terrified to even think of skin surgery that a lot of people that lose a significant amount of weight often get. (I watched an episode of Skin Tight on TLC and that show has royally messed me up in the head I swear.) 

This is also what has caused me to take a leap backward in my progress. Last week I stepped on the scale and it read 342. I was shocked. It was just so easy to get back to my old habits. I can't even say I enjoyed myself. The heartburn that had stopped had reared it's ugly head. My skin was starting to get all acne ridden again. My hips were hurting after walking any more than a few minutes. I was just falling into the same pattern as before. 

I've recommitted myself. I just have to keep remembering that this is a marathon and not a sprint. That's it's okay I gained 39 pounds in 11 months of not committing myself fully to my journey to better health. 

I had started to type weight loss there and I realized that really isn't the right way to look at it any more. I don't care about the weight loss. I care about becoming a healthier and more active Squishy. I care about feeling better. I care about being around a long time so I can grow old with my hubby. Yes, weight is a good indicator of progress, but it's not everything. 

I'm going to continue to do the best that I can, and to make one healthy decision at a time. 

Wish Me Luck!