Don't judge me...

Turns out I'm incapable of living a carb free existence. I was just too cranky, and quite frankly unhappy. So, here I am. 29 years old (now) and back at square one (for the billionth time). I found that something so restrictive was just not good for me. Also, the first week I felt great, and things were going great. Then  the second week I constantly had heartburn and I felt left out and deprived. So, I have to think of a new game plan.

Working overnights you I watch a lot of late night TV infomercials. They all seem to feature different weight loss programs that all claim to shed the pounds quickly. There's the "eat what you want" diet and the weight loss pills diet and so on and so forth. Just so many things and I have no idea what to do.

I just find myself asking if it's really worth it. I want to be healthy and fit into cute vintage inspired dresses and fit in roller coaster seats and ride Harry Potter at universal studios. But there is just so much temptation and so much hard work and I'm scared. It also doesn't help when your skinny husbands comes and wakes you from a deep sleep and he's standing there eating ice cream for breakfast and has only gained 5 pounds in the 9 years we've been together. He sucks. 

I just want to be normal. And happy. And be able to eat cookies. 

So apparently I'm cranky...

So I guess if you're writing a blog where you fully intend to wax poetic on all of the annoying things your husband does you shouldn't tell him that you're writing a blog and where to find it on the ever expanding internet. That was my mistake. Crap. I apparently have made him sound like an uncaring bastard who only cares about money, which he's not (he says so). I do love my husband, very much. I promise.

Anyhoo. My husband is annoying. Today he came upstairs to talk to me eating ice cream. Out of the carton. Because he never uses a bowl. He also had cookies and urged me to "just take a taste". He doesn't understand that a taste leads to a cookie which leads to two cookies which leads to four cookies which leads to a whole package of cookies. For me sweets are like Lays potato chips, I can't eat just one. In fact, all processed junk foods are the same for me. I want to eat them non stop. Which is also why my husband asked me if I wanted to join OA (overeater's anonymous). My answer was no. I have my outlet here with the fictional readers of my blog. 

Weight loss update: I have lost 12 lbs so far! I'm super excited. 

Sanity update: I guess I'm cranky. Because everywhere I go all I see is temptation. I did try a coconut recipe (coconut pancakes). I didn't like them. At all. They were yucky. I was so discouraged that I didn't try anything else. I will some day, but not in the next week.

I can say that I'm sick of cooking. I know there will come a time when it won't seem so odd to be cooking all the time, but all I want to do is go to a fast food place and have a burger and fries. But I've resisted. I have indulged in an arby's roast beef sandwich (without the bun of course). I've remained faithful and had no dairy or grains. And I do feel better. Which is great.

So this weekend the hubs and I will be going to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival Chocolate an Romance weekend. I plan on having a treat there. And a turkey leg. 

Skinny Bitches and Annoying Husbands

My husband is a skinny bitch. And Annoying. He's been skinny his entire life and he just doesn't get it. All he sees is the added cost. I feel that my health and well-being are worth spending some extra dollars. And the question "How's your diet going" makes me want to A. cut his head off and B. castrate him. But that could just be the crankiness from not eating sugar. Or dairy. Which I miss immensely. He also ate an Oreo Cakester in front of my face, which made me want to kick him where it hurts. I know he was teasing, but It's not nice to temp a fat chick on a diet with baked goods. Next time he better be careful...

I must say that now that I've passed the week mark I find myself less hungry than before. And that's a good thing. There's no more constant craving for food that I had been going through the first few days. And, in total, I've lost 10 lbs so far (but I was sick yesterday and that did seem to evacuate my entire digestive system, but I'm still taking credit for it).  I'm also not following the meal plan. Because I did find it too intimidating. I've pretty much been making some of the recipes out of order, but focusing on making good choices. Tomorrow I'm making lamb stew with sweet potatoes, which sounds delicious, and also making kale chips. I've read the crunch is nice, and I miss potato chips. So hopefully it'll be a good replacement. 

No word yet on the coconut flour baked goods. I finally have a day off from work on Tuesday, so I plan on experimenting then. I'm really looking forward to some baked goods, even if they taste bad, because it'll still be a treat.

See Ya Later

I would cut a bitch for some Chocolate...

So today is day 3 of my paleo/low carb adventure and I must say that everything is going well (despite my crazy as all get out work schedule). Hell, I've lost six lbs, but I would cut a bitch for a piece of chocolate...

I know said chocolate craving is just my body craving sugary goodness, but walking into a grocery store and seeing all those yummy chocolate bars at the checkout is pure torture. But, I resisted and bought beef jerky instead (since i'm starting as low carb and transitioning into paleo). Now, beef jerky is in no way close compared to chocolate on the yummy scale, but I'm still on the I LOST WEIGHT!!!! high. I even thought about going for a walk today while I was trying to sleep, which is progress. 
And progress is good.

I do see a light at the end of my I WANT BAKED GOODS NOW! tunnel because I've found some recipes (thank you internet search engines) using coconut flour, which I did buy on my pilgrimage the other day. I'm super excited to try these, I just need to go buy coconut milk and eggs. I'll let you (fictional readers that are in my head) know how it goes. More importantly, how they taste, and if I can have satisfying life with coconut flour baked goods. 

One thing I can say is I'm not missing dairy yet. Except Ice Cream. I could cut a bitch for some cookie dough ice cream...

Whole Foods and Intimidating Meal Plans

So the Hubby and I made a pilgrimage to Whole Foods in Edina (the closest one to us), and oh boy, are things expensive. I knew going in that I would be spending a pretty penny because I had to buy EVERYTHING. This whole paleo thing changes the way you cook and everything. But, my goodness, I ended up spending SEVERAL pretty pennies, like $150... on vegetables... and some lamb... Yeah. And I didn't even get everything I needed. 

I will say that Whole Foods does smell better than the average grocery store. It smells like nature and freshness (and I'm guessing that is part of the price mark up). And it's bright and cheery. The workers are friendly and attentive and know everything there is to know about organic stuff (without making you feel dumb). The produce looks like it belongs in Hi-Def. The meats in the case are actually red (well the ones that are supposed to be). And my poor sugar deprived self had to walk through Whole Foods Bakery. It is simultaneously Heaven and Hell. Heaven because all the baked goods look and smell amazing. Hell for the same reason. Everything is shiny and pretty and you can practically taste it while you're oogling it. I'm coveting their raspberry tarts, and their chocolate cakes, and everything in their bakery case.

So I bought things like Ghee, and coconut oil, and nori, and kale. Various other things I've never eaten before. So I have all this weird produce to use and I find that I'm feeling rather intimidated by it all. 

There's this meal plan I'm trying to follow and I find that I don't want to eat some of the things I'm supposed to (like smoked salmon and canned salmon and olives and mustard and nori). I think that if I'm giving up all of my favorite things (see previous post for the list of those damn good things) I should at least feel that the food I'm replacing it with is appetizing. So I think there's going to need to be some re-arranging and more Internet recipe searching. I made one of the recipes that I was unsure about, mustard glazed chicken thighs (I hate mustard) that turned out to be pretty alright. 

So I've decided to remain optimistic. We'll see how that goes... 

The Start of My Journey

Hello and Welcome to the start of my journey (insert cheesy music here). 

I've been fat my entire life. As of today I'm 5' 61/2"  weigh 378 lbs and wear a size 28. This is as fat as I've ever been. I get winded going up stairs. I can't walk more than 1/4 mile without sweating profusely and feeling like I'm going to pass out and die. I can't keep up with my very skinny and very tall husband. I can't go on amusement park rides. I can't go down water slides with my nieces. I can't walk my dog around the block (as per the 1/4 mile comment). I can't see my toes without bending over a little. I can't fit into any of the cute retro dresses they sell at the Betty Page store. There's a whole long list of things I can't do. 

I've realized that there is something I can do though. I can stop making excuses and do something about it. So, since I'm turning 29 this month, I've decided to do just that. Something. So, here's the plan.

I'm starting to eat Paleo (similar to Low Carb with an emphasis on organic and sustainable meats and produce). I've read a lot about it and I'm going to do it. It's going to be hard to give up dairy (because it tastes so damn good) and Pasta (again, because it tastes so damn good) and Cakes and Cookies and Pastry and candy and chips and I can go all day with this....but if I want to have a more fulfilling 30s where I can do all the things I want to do, there are going to be sacrifices. Of course there's going to be exercise (The Ironic thing being my husband works for Cybex which manufactures exercise equipment), and maybe yoga (okay, probably not yoga). 

My goal is to get down to a size 16 (which I haven't been since 8th grade). I know that's still considered "overweight", but if it was good enough for Marilyn Monroe, it's good enough for me. And Who knows, maybe i'll surpass my goal. If you asked my husband (over share warning), he just wants to be able to throw me against the wall and have his way with me. I've told him that he just needs to work out and get stronger but that doesn't seem to be going as well.

So, This will be my outlet to whine, complain, vent, covet, and the like. Also, complain about my husband (because that's always fun).

Happy Reading

Oh, and before I forget, I'm going to assume nobody is reading this so I'm going to say whatever I feel like and not think about how it sounds to other people, so there.