Friday, June 19, 2015

Squishy's Back in the Swing of Things

Well. Looks who's back. And with a new attitude (I think that's a song, but I'm not sure ((it totally is, I just googled it. Pattie LaBelle, And now I wish I could do one of those musical montages where all my problems are solved in the space of one song. Alas, my life is not a movie (((yet))) so, I must put in the hard work and dedication... ))).

In the last couple of months I've went from caring too much and taking everything way too seriously to caring too little and becoming Loki for a while (I did what I wanted, without the homicidal tendencies).
MMMmmmmmm..... Lokie......
What was I talking about? 

Get out of my head Tom!!!

Oh, yes. New attitude.

I've realized something about myself. I'm one tough cookie (this time). In the midst of all the craziness, I have never given up. Sure, I had bad days, but I knew that I wasn't throwing everything away when I ate that entire bag of potato chips. I knew that I was having a moment of weakness, not a moment of failure. Sure, I lost and gained the same 7 pounds a few times in the past month and a half, but the point is I still was trying. 

I have a perfect example of the progress of my acumen in regards to weight loss...
While on the treadmill, I have the urge to run. Like, I actually run. It may be slower than a snail on ketomine, but I run. I was even walking around my work the other day, and just wanted to start running... The point being that I don't run. I've never in my life felt the 
urge to run. I swear I didn't have a fight or flight response, I had a "eh" response. 

"Oh no that big scary thing is chasing me?!? Eh, it was a good life with so much yummy chocolate... "

But now I find myself actually enjoying exercise, and enjoying running. I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes straight this week. And I felt great afterwards. I didn't feel like I was going to fall over dead due to lack of breathing ability. This is crazy to me. Progress!!

Speaking of progress...
(insert trumpet fanfare here)

Highest Weight: 378 lbs
Current Weight: 317 lbs

I have to date lost a total of 61 lbs. I'm super excited about it. Like super duper I can't even tell you how excited about it I am. It's also super encouraging. 

I think I'm beginning to find balance. I know what I need to eat and how  much I need to work to keep on keeping on. I also know that it's okay to have a maple persian donut once in a while....
hehehe.... Cant talk about donuts and not show Homer...

Hey, I'm finally getting the hang of this long term weight loss stuff...
Go figure!

P.S. I really do love my husband. I swear. It's just... Tom Hiddleston... with the eyes... and the face... and the ears... and the acting ablility.... 
I guess I just like lanky tall men with light brown hair and ginger beards...
Good thing I married one!!

Dayum, my man is Smokin....

Monday, June 1, 2015

Squishy Vs. Fear of the Unknown

This is going to be a heavy post. So Sorry. I'm usually funny, I think, maybe... Sorta? This is something I need to get out though.

I've been doing reasonably well in my weight loss efforts. Well, more than reasonably, I've lost 60 pounds in 6 months. I know that's awesome, and I feel awesome about it, but I know I could have lost more if I had applied myself. I've realized something in the past few days. I'm scared. 

I've been fat my entire life. I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" weight. This is really the first time where I can imagine losing enough weight to no longer be morbidly obese. This is the first time where I can imagine that I can actually get healthy. This is terrifying. 

My weight has been my identity my entire life. I've always been the pretty fat girl. What will I be if I'm not fat anymore? I want to believe that losing the weight won't change me, but i'm actually scared that it will. Will I still be the same cheerfully morbid person I've always been? Or will I become one of those skinny bitches that silently judges people for eating a cupcake while I chew on my carrot sticks? It's really terrifying to me.

So, I've been losing weight, but I haven't been putting 100 percent into it 100 percent of the time. I'm like 50% of the time at 100% and the other 50% I'm at like 71.8%. I know I can be doing better, but I also know I could do worse. 

So. This is where I'm at. I want to do better, but I'm also scared to do better. The smallest I remember being is a size 18 when I was 13 years old. By the time I graduated high school I was at a size 24. My highest was a size 28 pushing a size 30 (but i refused to believe it and forced myself into a size 26). I know I'm smaller than a 26 now because I can pull the pants off without even having to use the zipper, but I'm too scared to try a size down, and I don't really want to buy any more clothing. I've gone shopping but just can't get myself to even try anything on.

So. I'm going to keep plugging along and try to figure out a way to separate my weight from my identity.