Squishy Vs. Fear of the Unknown

This is going to be a heavy post. So Sorry. I'm usually funny, I think, maybe... Sorta? This is something I need to get out though.

I've been doing reasonably well in my weight loss efforts. Well, more than reasonably, I've lost 60 pounds in 6 months. I know that's awesome, and I feel awesome about it, but I know I could have lost more if I had applied myself. I've realized something in the past few days. I'm scared. 

I've been fat my entire life. I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" weight. This is really the first time where I can imagine losing enough weight to no longer be morbidly obese. This is the first time where I can imagine that I can actually get healthy. This is terrifying. 

My weight has been my identity my entire life. I've always been the pretty fat girl. What will I be if I'm not fat anymore? I want to believe that losing the weight won't change me, but i'm actually scared that it will. Will I still be the same cheerfully morbid person I've always been? Or will I become one of those skinny bitches that silently judges people for eating a cupcake while I chew on my carrot sticks? It's really terrifying to me.

So, I've been losing weight, but I haven't been putting 100 percent into it 100 percent of the time. I'm like 50% of the time at 100% and the other 50% I'm at like 71.8%. I know I can be doing better, but I also know I could do worse. 

So. This is where I'm at. I want to do better, but I'm also scared to do better. The smallest I remember being is a size 18 when I was 13 years old. By the time I graduated high school I was at a size 24. My highest was a size 28 pushing a size 30 (but i refused to believe it and forced myself into a size 26). I know I'm smaller than a 26 now because I can pull the pants off without even having to use the zipper, but I'm too scared to try a size down, and I don't really want to buy any more clothing. I've gone shopping but just can't get myself to even try anything on.

So. I'm going to keep plugging along and try to figure out a way to separate my weight from my identity.