Saturday, October 20, 2012

Something Terrible has Happened...

Me about to start my mile. I'm smiling
so something is definitely wrong...
I'm actually beginning to like my daily walk. I'm taking a daily walk. And I'm liking it. I've seriously walked more than 4.5 miles this week. In 5 days. I seriously think I've gone nuts. I can't even tell you the last time I actually walked a mile in a week, let alone 4.5! I'm also dabbling in weight training. I say dabbling because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. But, I'm determined to lose my wings and thunder thighs, so I'm sticking to it. I promise. No, really. I swear.

Update :)  (The smiley face is because it's positive) Week 6(ish) Weight 355.6 pounds. That is a loss and I'm going to take it. Sure it's not the 5 lbs a week I was losing before, but you have to slow down sometime. I mean 2.4 lbs is still good (and too much according to weight watchers, whatever). I will say that I ate more carbs this week. I didn't go over my daily points allowance, but I'm sure that has something to do with it. Or I'm building muscle mass from all the fudging walking. Who knows.

The best part is that I'm able to fit into clothes that haven't fit me in a couple of years. I think I'm losing inches more than pounds this week. Inches I'll definitely take. Although, I've had 3 people at work comment that my boobs look smaller. And that is NOT kosher. My boobs were actually the one thing I liked about my body. My boobs were the only thing Hubby liked about my body (I know this to be true, but he'll say I'm making him sound shallow and like a horrible person, but it's how I feel). 

My boobs have been my identity for so long that I'm kinda depressed about it. I feel like I have to go get a water bra or something. Maybe I'll have to stuff socks in my bra like men stuff socks in their jeans... Seriously. Without my boobs what am I? Just another ugly fat person. I have no ass to speak of (it's flat and shapeless and not appealing in any fashion). My figure is vaguely hourglass shaped, but loosing my boobs will make me loose that too. I'm hoping my midsection starts to shrink along with my boobs so I'll still look proportional. Or I can just do what Hubby suggested and wear a girdle (the ass). I think I'll probably just have to start doing sit ups or something. Although, I don't think those will make me smile. I'm pretty sure sit ups will make me want to vomit and die.

I just wish there was a magical cure that would make me a normal sized person who fits into normal size clothes.  But until someone invents such a thing  I'll just continue on the path I am on. However long it shall take.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Most Humiliating Experience Ever...

I've mentioned a few times now that one of the many things I'd like to do after I've lost some (well, a lot) of weight is ride Harry Potter. For those of you that are ignorant to my meaning (assuming of course that there are actually people reading this), by riding Harry Potter, I mean attending The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida and riding Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey.

I've been a huge fan of the Harry Potter series for a very long time (like almost half of my life). I started reading the books when I was in high school and I've seen every movie multiple times. When I heard that there was going to be a theme park I was so incredibly excited, and couldn't wait until I would be able to go. Well, when Tim and I decided to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, I knew this was going to be my opportunity to actually visit. 

I had reservations before going because I'm such a big girl, so I did what anybody does and researched on the internet. I read a bunch of websites saying that pretty much if you're over a size 14 and have larger than D breasts that you weren't going to fit into any of the rides in Universal Studios and that Walt Disney World was much more "fat friendly". I was kinda heart broken. I knew that I wouldn't fit so I tried to persuade my hubby to go to Disney. He didn't want to go to Disney because he had been there previously and  Disney, in his words, is junkaceous. He wanted to go to Universal Studios.

Worst Decision Ever.

There were a few rides I was able to go on. The Simpson's which is a virtual Roller Coaster, Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls (which I BARELY fit in, I mean it was a total fat girl in a little boat moment and I swear there were suctioning sounds when I literally had to pull myself out of it), Men In Black (where you just rode around trying to shoot aliens),  The Mummy (which is a total rip off of space mountain... and I again BARELY fit), and Jurassic Park (which was just okay). There was a lot of walking around and waiting for Tim when he went on all the cool roller coasters, some of them multiple times. I totally felt left out and was pretty miserable but tried my best to put on a Happy Face for him so he had enough fun for the both of us.

So, now we come to the MOST humiliating experience ever. Harry Potter and the Forbidding Fat People From Riding the Forbidden Journey.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is amazing visually. The whole atmosphere is just like in the movies, and walking into the area you can see Hogwarts looming over everything. There's the Hogwarts Express, and Hogsmeade, and carts selling Butterbeer (which is totally tasty) and Pumpkin Juice, and Honey Dukes, and other amazingness. If not for the whole unbearable heat thing I could have sworn I was in England.  I mean, totally cool. 

Test Seats for the Forbidden Journey

But, the rides are meant for skinny people and children. During my research I learned that there are test seats available for every ride and you are encouraged to use them. First of all, those test seats are a magnet for children to play with. You have to walk into a big group of people to get to them, and then you have to either ask the young children to get off or witness their parents yanking them off of them so the fat person can try them out. I know you will never see these people again, but that doesn't make the Looks hurt any less. In order for you to be able to ride, you need a green light. I couldn't even light up the red light.  They even have Fat Police stationed near the beginning of the rides to encourage larger people to try them out. 

The lady who picked me out of the crowd was pretty nice, and said that I wouldn't be able to ride the ride but I was welcome to go view the castle. Well, the first time we were by there I was so devastated that I just told Tim to ride it and I went and cried in a corner (literally). He said it was pretty cool and that really made me feel worse ( I was hoping maybe it was super cheesy or something). I was actually able to fit into the Flight of the Hippogriff (the little kid ride) and that was pretty cheesy. 

We had 2 day passes and the next day after riding some of the other rides  Tim convinced me to tour the castle. We start walking up and I'm picked out by another Fat Police person, and I told them I knew already I was too fat and I just wanted to tour the castle. The castle was pretty awesome and I would have enjoyed myself if I hadn't been stopped by 5 other fat police, each urging me to try the test seats. I had to say repeatedly "Yes, I know I'm too FAT to fit into the seats! I'm just touring the castle!" Seriously, by the end I just felt so horrible about myself that I wasn't even able to enjoy it. And having to exit the ride in front of all those people getting on the ride is just totally humiliating. I just wanted to leave and eat myself to death (which I realize is counter productive). I'm sure all this is a lot worse in my head, but it's my head and I can feel the way I want.

So, back to my goal. Once I reach my One Hot Mama Status I'm going to make myself a t-shirt that says "I lost 200lbs Just So I Can Ride Harry Potter". And I will ride it 10 times in a row until I'm sick of it. 

And before I leave I'll have some Butterbeer. With the whipped cream. And enjoy Every Single Sip.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I thought endorphins were supposed to make you happy...

So, I guess I'm going to be doing the once a week thing, because that's all the motivation I can muster after telling myself "carrots and celery are the best snack ever". Just so you know, it's not. I do however enjoy my daily yogurt and jello snack. I mix them together and think it's tasty.

Update: Week 5(ish) Current weight 358 pounds. I have lost 20 pounds and am extremely happy about it and only a little sick of carrots and celery. I'm feeling good and I haven't been that cranky lately. Maybe a little cranky, but not as cranky as I was before because I can have chocolate if I want. Chocolate makes everything better.

I started working out at Cybex this week. That was fun let me tell you. I started with 15 minutes on the treadmill walking 3 miles an hour. Which is fast for me. The treadmill had a TV on it, but the only channel I could find was CNN. During an election. Thank goodness the volume didn't work and I could listen to the music on my phone. The worst part about Cybex is that the treadmills all face the window so I can watch myself struggling to keep up with the 3 mile an hour pace. It was like watching a train wreck, so sad yet so hard to look away. 

After the treadmill was my trying to fumble my way around weight training so I can try to reduce my wing size. I have no idea what I'm doing so I end up just putzing around and pretending. I don't think it's very effective. Then it was time for the stationary bike which I spent 10 minutes on. I biked three miles staying still. It was awesome. Every time I would slow down the tiniest bit the stupid fan would shut off and I'd have to start peddling faster again. It was driving me crazy, but I guess it was an effective way to make me pedal constantly. 

Then, the real torture began and I did 5 min on the arc trainer (or Anti Christ). That machine just hurts. It makes my knees weak and my arms tired and generally feel like I'm going to fall over at any second. I was surprised I lasted the whole 5 minutes. 

Now I just have to find the motivation to go back and do it all over again...

Good luck with that....

Thursday, October 4, 2012

This is NOT an endorsement... unless I get on TV.


So, Today (as it is still Oct 3 because I haven't slept yet) marks the 1 month anniversary of my blog. If my blog and I were dating we'd be getting to third base about now (I'm terribly old fashioned, the blog is a slut). 

Current weight at 9pm this evening was 363 lbs. That is progress my friends. I have lost 15 lbs in 4 weeks and I'm extremely happy about that. I've had some slips (well a major birthday celebration week where I said Cake? Yes please! Cookies?!? Of course! Fried Food ?!?!? Absolutely!!!! Don't judge me). I'm currently on track and feeling great!

So, I've jumped on the weight watchers band wagon. I'm not going to wax poetic about it. I'm on it, it's working for me, I can eat all my favorites and not suffer. And I must say, after being on something as restrictive as Paleo, Weight Watchers is a breeze. I had pancakes this week. Pancakes that didn't taste like licking a coconut shell. They were delicious and fit into my plan quite well thank you. I even lost a pound that day!

They have these handy mobile apps where you can scan a bar-code and it tells you how many points it is. It's awesome. My husband loves to play with it when we go grocery shopping. It's like "Oh, that package of delectable cookies is 12 points? I guess I'm having broccoli and steamed chicken for supper!" And the point is I get to eat the fracking cookies! 

So, I guess I waxed a little poetic about it, but what evs. It's my blog, I can do what I want. And maybe I'll get to be on one of those commercials where I'm holding out a pair of my old pants saying "Look how fat I used to be!" I would be an awesome spokes person. I'm adorable. 

Moving on...

I need to start exercising, because if I can lose 15 pounds in a month just by watching what I eat, imagine how much I could lose if I were to actually get up off my arse! As I've mentioned before, my husband works for a factory that produces high quality exercise equipment. They have a showroom that has all of their top of the line models to use. For free. The treadmills have fans on them. Fans that blow into your hot sweaty face. And the funny thing is if you start to slow down, the fan stops. And you're like "What the fudging hell? I need that fan!" so you speed back up and the fan comes back on and you're like "Oh thank you Jeabus!" It's pretty nice. I need to start using that. They also have Arc Trainers or as I call them the Anti Christ. They are similar to an elliptical machine but Tim says they're better. And he works for the place so he would know better than me. And because he's my hubby and I care about his money, here's a link to his employer's website  They have tons of information about what exactly the Anti Christ is. And why it's so great. Go there. They were one the Biggest Loser okay?

So, to sum things up. I'm back on track, doing great, and eating pancakes and cookies and all things yummy. I'm counting points and having fun scanning random bar-codes in the grocery store. Skinny jeans here I come! (actually I hate skinny jeans and think they are the ugliest things ever, I just thought the sentiment was appropriate)

15 pounds gone and only 135 left to go. If I continue at this rate I'll be at my goal in 10 months (like that will ever happen)...

I'll be able to fit into frilly vintage dresses and ride Harry Potter in no time :)