Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Progress Pics .... For no apparent reason...

So... Whenever I take a picture of myself lately, and I like to take lots of pictures with the hubby (because he's smoking hot) I look at them and don't recognize myself. It's like "where did those clavicles come from? And since when do I have a discernible jaw line? Where's my 3rd chin?!?" Not gonna lie... Kinda freaks me out...

This is what I see in my Head...

I Don't Have a Neck

But Apparently... This is what I look like now...

Where did that neck come from?!?
Totally freaking me out! I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Like I'm all hot and stuff now? I'm not abominable snowman white anymore, I'm all tan and stuff. Like I have cheekbones again... 

Again. These are me from last year. Like Roley Poley but adorable...

These are me from this last month. Totally happy with my 75 lb weight loss... 

Progress report:
Highest Weight: 378 lbs
Current Weight: 303 lbs
Total Weight Lost (but never to be found): 75 lbs

This means I am 25 lbs away from 100 lbs lost, which is like 67% of my goal. My goal is to be in Onderland for the first time in forever...

And I think I'll get there...

Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Squishy Vs. Rewards

Hi Everybody!! (Hi Dr. Nick!)
I totally do...
So. Progress Report!!
Starting Weight: 378
Current Weight: 307.6

I've lost 70 pounds. I really can't believe I've done so well. I've never made it this far before. It's been 8 months, and I haven't thrown in the proverbial towel.  Maybe I really do have a handle on this stuff!!
Happy Dance!!
I am kinda scared though, because that means I'm roughly only 8 pounds away from the 200s. I haven't been there since high school. The lowest I can remember knowing my weight was in 11th grade where we were weighed in gym class (285), and the teacher posted the highest and lowest weight and did an average for the class. I was humiliated, because I was obviously the heaviest person. So, what did I do? Went and ate some chocolate. I also have an irrational hatred of sports ballads (like The Final Countdown) because our gym teacher made us run to them, and if somebody stopped running and started to walk we had to start from the beginning of the song.... Evil Evil Evil High School Gym Teacher....

So. I'm freaking out a bit because I kinda don't know what to do with myself anymore. And Freaking Out to me is going crazy with not keeping track of what I am eating, and allow myself too many treats. Because I've always rewarded myself with food. Every milestone has always been celebrated with food. Birthdays, anniversaries, getting through a hellish day at work.. all celebrated with food. I have to get out of that habit. 

One of the non-food rewards I've been giving myself is fauxdora (fake pandora) charms on a charm bracelet. Every 10 lbs I get a new charm. It's been fun, except it's taken me all summer to lose 15 pounds because, again, I lose a little, realize how close I am to a certain milestone, and then freak the F*CK out. But, the bracelet thing is going well. 

I have an idea for when I lose 100 lbs. I want to get a tattoo. I have a little one on my ankle, and I've always wanted to get another one. I love tattoos. I just think they're beautiful. It's just hard to pick out what I would want to permanently put on my body. I know I want some sort of a plus size pin-up, since I'm a huge fan on pin up art. But then, where do I go to get the tattoo done? I don't know anyone with a lot of ink, and have no idea where I even start to research it. 

So. Yeah. Overwhelming. Which leads me to freak out.

I'm sensing a pattern...

Friday, June 19, 2015

Squishy's Back in the Swing of Things

Well. Looks who's back. And with a new attitude (I think that's a song, but I'm not sure ((it totally is, I just googled it. Pattie LaBelle, And now I wish I could do one of those musical montages where all my problems are solved in the space of one song. Alas, my life is not a movie (((yet))) so, I must put in the hard work and dedication... ))).

In the last couple of months I've went from caring too much and taking everything way too seriously to caring too little and becoming Loki for a while (I did what I wanted, without the homicidal tendencies).
MMMmmmmmm..... Lokie......
What was I talking about? 

Get out of my head Tom!!!

Oh, yes. New attitude.

I've realized something about myself. I'm one tough cookie (this time). In the midst of all the craziness, I have never given up. Sure, I had bad days, but I knew that I wasn't throwing everything away when I ate that entire bag of potato chips. I knew that I was having a moment of weakness, not a moment of failure. Sure, I lost and gained the same 7 pounds a few times in the past month and a half, but the point is I still was trying. 

I have a perfect example of the progress of my acumen in regards to weight loss...
While on the treadmill, I have the urge to run. Like, I actually run. It may be slower than a snail on ketomine, but I run. I was even walking around my work the other day, and just wanted to start running... The point being that I don't run. I've never in my life felt the 
urge to run. I swear I didn't have a fight or flight response, I had a "eh" response. 

"Oh no that big scary thing is chasing me?!? Eh, it was a good life with so much yummy chocolate... "

But now I find myself actually enjoying exercise, and enjoying running. I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes straight this week. And I felt great afterwards. I didn't feel like I was going to fall over dead due to lack of breathing ability. This is crazy to me. Progress!!

Speaking of progress...
(insert trumpet fanfare here)

Highest Weight: 378 lbs
Current Weight: 317 lbs

I have to date lost a total of 61 lbs. I'm super excited about it. Like super duper I can't even tell you how excited about it I am. It's also super encouraging. 

I think I'm beginning to find balance. I know what I need to eat and how  much I need to work to keep on keeping on. I also know that it's okay to have a maple persian donut once in a while....
hehehe.... Cant talk about donuts and not show Homer...

Hey, I'm finally getting the hang of this long term weight loss stuff...
Go figure!

P.S. I really do love my husband. I swear. It's just... Tom Hiddleston... with the eyes... and the face... and the ears... and the acting ablility.... 
I guess I just like lanky tall men with light brown hair and ginger beards...
Good thing I married one!!

Dayum, my man is Smokin....

Monday, June 1, 2015

Squishy Vs. Fear of the Unknown

This is going to be a heavy post. So Sorry. I'm usually funny, I think, maybe... Sorta? This is something I need to get out though.

I've been doing reasonably well in my weight loss efforts. Well, more than reasonably, I've lost 60 pounds in 6 months. I know that's awesome, and I feel awesome about it, but I know I could have lost more if I had applied myself. I've realized something in the past few days. I'm scared. 

I've been fat my entire life. I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" weight. This is really the first time where I can imagine losing enough weight to no longer be morbidly obese. This is the first time where I can imagine that I can actually get healthy. This is terrifying. 

My weight has been my identity my entire life. I've always been the pretty fat girl. What will I be if I'm not fat anymore? I want to believe that losing the weight won't change me, but i'm actually scared that it will. Will I still be the same cheerfully morbid person I've always been? Or will I become one of those skinny bitches that silently judges people for eating a cupcake while I chew on my carrot sticks? It's really terrifying to me.

So, I've been losing weight, but I haven't been putting 100 percent into it 100 percent of the time. I'm like 50% of the time at 100% and the other 50% I'm at like 71.8%. I know I can be doing better, but I also know I could do worse. 

So. This is where I'm at. I want to do better, but I'm also scared to do better. The smallest I remember being is a size 18 when I was 13 years old. By the time I graduated high school I was at a size 24. My highest was a size 28 pushing a size 30 (but i refused to believe it and forced myself into a size 26). I know I'm smaller than a 26 now because I can pull the pants off without even having to use the zipper, but I'm too scared to try a size down, and I don't really want to buy any more clothing. I've gone shopping but just can't get myself to even try anything on.

So. I'm going to keep plugging along and try to figure out a way to separate my weight from my identity. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Squishy Vs. Zoodles


The number one thing I miss the most since I've started eating healthier is Pasta. I am a pasta addict. I love it. I could eat it for every meal and not get sick of it. I would gladly glutton myself with any kind of pasta with just a touch of butter and Parmesan cheese. Truly, nothing in this world is more appealing to me than this...

MMMmmm Pasta.....
Sorry Ducky.....

So, I know pasta is my weakness. I am incapable of only having one serving. I can stay away from copious amounts of ice cream, and cakes, and cookies, and potato chips, and deliciousness of that nature. But put some cooked pasta in front of me and I will stuff it into my mouth hole to the point of getting sick. This is why I avoid it as much as possible. I'd rather eat it at a restaurant (like Olive Garden) where I'm given a set amount, than make it in my house and consume my weight in it.

Enter the Spiralizer... I've been reading a bunch of "weightloss" recipe blogs and have come across the idea of Zoodles, or zucchini noodles, quite a few times. I like zucchini, so I thought I'd give it a try. 

I bought a Paderno Spiralizer on from amazon here and it came within 2 days (gotta Love Prime). Oh, by the way, I'm not a paid tryer outer person. I don't know how one does that, but I would LOVE to do that! If you, the fictional person reading my blog are someone who tracks who links to your website put me down! I would gladly be a tryer outer person! :)

Anyway. It came in the mail Monday, and I tried it out on some radishes first, on my mother's insistence, and it worked great! Now, I hate radishes, they taste like spicy dirt, but my mom said they were good! So, I was encouraged to try it on some zucchini...

It was super fun! Like you put the zucchini on the thing and spin it around and big long strands of Zoodles come out!! Like Super Really Long NOODLES!! Now I'm not demented, really, so I know they're not actually noodles. They are vegetables parading as noodles. But, with the yummy Italian turkey sausage marinara I made, I was almost fooled. I mean, look at these:
Oodles of Zoodles....
 They were super tasty and you could twirl them around your fork just like regular pasta. Plus, I like zucchini with tomato sauce. It was totally enough to satisfy my pasta craving. Hubby loved it too, he ate most of it. So, no leftover for me :( 

The next night I had to try it again, and decided to make Sweet Potato Noodles. So I made Sweet Potato Lo Mein with Teriyaki Chicken. I must say, the sweet potatoes weren't as easy as the zucchini. But, I tried cutting in half and that worked out great. I loved them. Hubby said they were too sweet, but I did make homemade teriyaki sauce, and probably put more brown sugar than I needed to. Oh well, there's always next time. But, they sure looked delicious!

So, right now I am in love with my spiralizer and want to use it on everything. Hubby was wondering if it would be possible to spiralize cheese. I intend to find out. So, for now:

X ALL THE THINGS - Spiralize All the Things!!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Squishy Vs. DOMS

O.k. This makes absolutely no sense to me. In order to build stronger muscles you must TEAR THEM APART?!? Like seriously? You work out so hard your muscles start shaking and you feel like you're going to fall over and and die and that's a good thing? Like people do this regularly? On purpose?!? Craziness!!

I had a pretty lazy Sunday, where I barely moved at all. It was fabulous. I wasn't a total slouch last weekend though. Saturday was Date Night with Ducky. 

Yes, He needs a haircut... Yes, I need a dye job...
We went to Costco, and the MOA (Mall of America for all you non-Minnesotans), and to Whole Foods (I honestly think Heaven smells like Whole Foods). We walked around a lot. I think my pedometer said like 1 million miles (more like 5 miles, but that's a lot for me). We finished the night with a romantic (well, kinda, it was dark...) dinner at Big Bowl. I had Japanese pan noodles. They were super tasty. And Dessert. We Had an amazing Dessert. I had a few bites, Ducky wanted to lick the plate. 
Mmmmm... Chocolate Lava Cake...

Anyhoo. After my lazy Sunday, I had thought I better really get a good workout in. I had made the treadmill my bitch the whole week before, and I was bored with it and thought I'd switch back to some exercise videos. So, I went to good old Daily Burn on my xbox, and to the True Beginner program (this host is the only one I've found who I don't want to punch in the face. I think it has something to do with the dimples...) I chose to do the Strength and Cardio 1 video. I had done it before, but must not have really pushed myself. This time I did. There were lunges, and squats, and jogging in place and all that jazz. By the end I was a sweaty mess and felt like I could barely stand up, but I had felt great. Until I woke up the next morning and was sore. Not too sore though. Enough where I could still function but stairs were kinda hard to do with my uber sore thighs. It got progressively worse as the day went on, and by the time I usually do my nightly workout, I was too sore to move. So, I figured I'd skip the workout and just get some sleep. Bad Idea. 

When I woke up on Wednesday, I felt like I couldn't move and just wanted to burrow my head farther into the pillows and pretend I didn't exist. Unfortunately, I'm a responsible adult and had to go to work. Every step was agony. Sitting down or getting back up made my eyes tear up. It was awful. So, a little google search later and low and behold what did I find? I had suffered from DOMS, or delayed onset muscle soreness. Apparently, after a particularly strenuous workout, your muscles literally rip apart and have to knit themselves back together, and the pain is usually worse two days after the initial workout. But, don't be dismayed because this process also is your muscles becoming stronger. I also learned that my night off made it worse, because working out actually helps ease the pain.

So, on Wednesday night, even though I felt like there were razor blades embedded in my thighs (I am prone to exaggeration) , I worked out anyway. I did a core workout that mostly involved stretching and working out my non-existent abs. And low and behold, I felt better. I woke up and Thursday morning feeling much less, but still a little, sore. And I could walk and sit down and get up without pain. 

So, what did I learn from this? To be more mindful of my body, and to push myself, but not to a crazy degree. Sure, sumo squats sound like fun, but I really shouldn't go as far down as the extremely fit host of an exercise program. 

On, the plus size ;) the plateau I had found myself in for two weeks was finally broken, and I lost 5 pounds last week. Go Squishy!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Squishy Vs. The Weekends of Doom

Being the only one in your household that's trying to eat healthier and lose weight sucks. Balls. Seriously. It seems like everywhere I turn I'm faced with delicious delicious carbs. Open the cupboard for some dill to make veggie dip when suddenly potato chips. Open the fridge to get out some veggies when suddenly glorious fatty fatty cheese. Open the freezer to get some steam-able frozen veggies when BLAM ice cream galore. It's not fair. 

The worst, however, is when I invite my nieces to spend the weekend. They are three adorable TINY blonde girls, ages 11, 7, and 3. I love them to death, and I can't say no to them, like at all. It's a serious problem. Auntie Beth can you make us cake? Why yes, of course I can! Auntie Beth can you make us rainbow sprinkle pancakes with homemade strawberry syrup and whipped cream? Why of course!! Would you like extra sprinkles on top?? Like I said, serious problem.

And it only gets worse because they want me to eat the stuff too, so I do. Because I can't say no. Lets eat popcorn while watching that movie, you have extra butter right? We cant go to the playground without stopping at taco bell for nachos and tacos first. We need to have ice cream after walking outside. We can not possibly have a fire without smores!! 

So, I overindulged and spent two weekends (because I was lucky enough to have them two weekends in a row) just forgetting I was watching what I was eating and went for it. And I loved it. I loved every second of it. You forget how all that wonderful stuff tastes while you're abstaining from it. It was really nice to not have to think about every little thing that was going into my mouth.

Then I stepped on the scale on Monday. And found out I had gained 6 pounds. In one weekend. Damn, that sucked. I worked really hard the whole week and lost 5 of them. But then the next weekend happened. And I gained 4 pounds. It took me the whole rest of the week to get back to where I was 2 weeks ago. So, a lot of hard work to basically accomplish nothing. 

But the moral of the story is, I haven't given up. I didn't say "oh, I had a good run, time to hang up my food scale and finish that chocolate cake with ice cream and sprinkles." I actually picked back up where I left off and got back on that wagon. It was a big step for me. So, now I know that I am stronger. That I can handle a setback. That I can indulge for that short amount of time and not feel like I failed. 

So, all in all The Weekends of Doom were not that at all. They were Weekends of Enlightenment. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Squishy's Progress Report

Greetings fictional people who read my blog!

So, I thought it was about time for a progress report. And I actually have progress to report!! Go Me!!

Starting Weight: 378
Current Weight: 346

32 pounds baby! Hells Yeah Bitches!! 

Measurements: Now, I'm really putting myself out there sharing these, but since I'm feeling great about myself why not! I, unfortunately, didn't take actual beginning measurements because it took me about 3 weeks to gather the courage to actually measure myself.

Startingish Hips: 61.5
Current Hips: 59

Startingish Waist: 55
Current Waist: 51.5

I can definitely tell a difference with how my clothes fit. My pants are much looser than they were (except for my jeans which seem to lose inches with me) and I had thought that my shirts were getting shorter (turns out I was just getting wider). Also, when I look down I no longer see my pooch sticking out from underneath my boobs. And the most exciting thing? I have a butt now!! An actual discernible butt! My butt is no longer just a big lump on my back blending straight into the back of my legs. Now you can actually tell where my butt ends and the back of my thighs begin! I'm super happy to have a butt again!! It's the little things, really. 

This is a great start to my journey, and leaves me feeling uber motivated to keep going. As you can tell from reading my blog I've had many start overs and do overs and poor choices and  bad decisions. But I can feel that it's different this time. I'm in a much better place than I was before.

This time my weight loss isn't being motivated by self-hatred. This time I've decided to accept myself for the way I am NOW. I don't need to be a certain size, or look a certain way. I just want to feel better, and have the energy and ambition to do all those things I've been holding back because of my weight. I'm no longer obsessing (too much) on what I'm eating. This time if I have a piece (or whole) chocolate cake I'm not disgusted with myself and end up wanting to just quit because it's too hard. I'm not becoming upset and wanting to quit when the scale doesn't say I'm loosing as much as I wanted it to.

The best thing I've ever done is to forgive myself for all the damage that I've caused to my body, both mentally and physically. I decided that it was OK to be Me! I'm a great person! I don't have to hide behind uncomfortable layers of clothing when it's a million degrees outside. I don't have to wear pants all the time because my calfs are large and I have cankles and stretch marks. I'm beautiful the way I am now, and I'll be beautiful at whatever size or shape I will be in the future. I still have days where I doubt myself, and maybe feel like I'm not doing enough and not pushing myself enough, but that's okay. That's HUMAN. This time I realize that I can't fail unless I decide to fail. That if I give up, I decided to give up. The decision has always been mine.

The best piece of advice I've ever heard comes from my favorite person in all of pop culture: RuPaul (if you don't know who this Queen is, I suggest you do yourself a favor and educate yo'self)


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Squishy Vs. The Dreaded Plateau


Last week was not such a good week. It wasn't Terrible, but it wasn't good either. I mean, I didn't eat every single carb in the house, but I did kind of let an incident give me an excuse to take it easy. I fell down the stairs and landed on my butt. It hurt. Kinda a lot. Also, I broke a stair on my way down. Well, I don't know if my butt broke the stair when I fell, or if the stair broke causing me to fall on my butt. Either way, it was painful. 

I don't know if I've already mentioned this, and I'm too lazy to go back and fact check my own blog, but I've been using My Fitness Pal to keep track of what I'm eating. I've been tracking for 25 days now, and I have lost 20 pounds!! Super Excellent!! Go squishy, it's ya birfday... 

Any way, I digress. 

Last week. Last week I did well eating wise, I stayed under my calorie goal every day. What I didn't do was drink enough water, and I didn't exercise as much. Also, because I was sore, I didn't cook very much, opting for pizza (thin crust with veggies thank you very much) and other pre-made processed food. I kinda also stopped moving so much at work, because my butt hurt. And when I say my butt I mean my butt, hips, and lower back. Falling sucks. 

So, because I didn't move more, but ate less (just the wrong less), I didn't gain any weight back. I just stayed constant. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. At all. I'll take it. It's progress. But, I also didn't lose. 

See, I have this theory. New fat is easy to lose. It hasn't stuck around for very long so it hasn't had a chance to get all comfy and cozy. It's insecure fat that makes you reach for every carb in sight because it wants to get comfy and stick around. Preferably on your thighs and buttocks (and on your chin for some reason, at least for me). So, it's really easy when you start eating right and moving to get that insecure blubber to take a hike. 

Then you get to the fat that's been there a while. It's been with you when you were sad and ate that entire carton of mocha almond fudge ice cream. It's been there for you when you felt fabulous in your new dress and someone commented on the weird marks on the back of your knees so you ate an entire cake. It's comforted you when you were walking down the hallway being called Tubby Tubby Two by Four can't fit through the corridor and decided to go all cookie monster on a bag of potato chips. It hasn't asked for anything in return but delicious delicious carbs. It'll never judge you. It'll never walk out on you. It'll never call you names and give you looks. It's definitely a security blanket. THAT is the fat that's the hardest to lose. 

I'm at my first round of old fat. This fat got me through that terrible summer that I was working all the time because my coworker decided she'd rather play the victim than do her actual job. When I'm upset in any aspect of my life I have a tendency to eat my feelings. And boy did I. I know this is going to take some serious determination. That's the thing, the fat goes on soooo easy, and it's sooooooo hard to get rid of. 

So, that's what I think plateaus are. The old fat gathering it's forces for the fight to stay comfy. Those forces of course being cravings and muscle cramps. I'm going to fight back with vegetables and sweat. I WILL succeed! I have no idea who Fred Shero is, but he said 
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.”

And what else can I say but:

(hehe, hilarious internet meme for the win!!)

Update: Finally, the number on the scale is starting to go down, where it belongs. I'm totally kicking that fat's ass!!

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Squishy Vs. The Treadmill

Hi Everybody!! (Hi Doctor Nick!!) (Simpsons Reference)

I've been implementing the Move More portion of my East Less Move More regime... No, not regime. Regime sounds like I'm being forced into it.  Diet? No, diet is wrong, has too much of a negative connotation. Super Fun Time Exercise? Maybe, but doesn't have enough pizzazz (and I'm not a Hello Kitty enthusiast). How about Eat Less Move More Extravaganza!!! Yeah we'll go with that. That sounds fun.

I've been implementing the move more portion of my Eat Less Move More Extravaganza. I've started to walk more at work, and make an effort to either take Satan's Stairs or walk the long way around to avoid Satan's Stairs and use the back elevators at work. I will tell you that this long way is about 1/4 mile while Satan's Stairs lead straight to my desk. So, I feel either way I'm moving more than I did before. This has been going swimmingly, and has an added bonus of getting me away from my desk and away from annoying people asking my really annoying questions.

So, along with walking more at work, I have taken to going to my husband's employer Cybex, which makes exercise equipment like treadmills and the anti-Christ (known as the Arc Trainer). Because they make these fancy uber gym quality fitness machines, they have said uber fancy machines in a show room that acts as the company gym. I've explained this before, but it was along time ago, and I don't expect the NEW fictional people who are reading my blog to go back to read older posts. The point being that I've started to use the treadmill most every day. I try to go everyday, unless I'm uber tired and my body feels like it's starting a mutiny. I still walk more at work though, so even on those days I feel like I'm accomplishing something.

So, firstly, I have to get the ambition to get into my car and drive to Cybex. I can usually accomplish this because I just leave when Hubby goes to work, since he works overnights, and there's no way on God's Green Earth that I'm going to get the ambition to wake up before 6 AM to go exercise. No way, no how. I know myself too well and that is never going to happen. Unless I didn't actually go to sleep and I'm still up for some reason before 6 am and I happen to become insane and want to walk on the treadmill before I'm able to sleep. If that happens, I expect Hubby to take me to the proper authorities and get me help, because that means I'm too far gone and will not be coming back to him, I'll be in my own cheerfully morbid world where Zombies are found Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and they're eating that little bluebird who wouldn't shut up about how cool he was that he was able to so happily fly all the way over the rainbow with his stupid blue bird wings. Jackass. 
Hehe, I love google image search...

Secondly, on the drive to Cybex, I have to pass by a gaggle of fast food restaurants, my nemesises (nemisi? what is the plural to nemesis.... I just googled it, and it's nemeses... seriously). Here's the list that I pass on my way to exercise: Applebees, Dairy Queen, Jimmy Johns, Papa Murphy's, Starbucks, Chinese Takeout called Asian Kitchen, FroYo, KFC, Arby's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, and Target which has another Starbucks inside. I don't live in a very large town, but the road I drive in which to get to the treadmill does pass over a major freeway, which is why there are so many fast food places.  I swear I should receive a freaking medal each and every time I drive by without stopping and getting and devouring any form of the deliciously unhealthy carb options that are vended at these places. Taco Bell sells freaking deep fried dough with freaking frosting inside. I could happily eat my weight in those freaking things. 

When I see these I wanna go all Homer Simpson on Doughnuts.... (hehe, another Simpsons reference)

Thirdly, I have to gather the ambition to actually get out of my car when I arrive because there always seems to be another person there. I'm an introvert. I don't particularly like interacting with people that I don't know. Yes, I have a very social job where I interact with people on a constant basis, but I'm getting paid to do that, and I go home and crash and don't want to speak to anybody else for the rest of the evening. ( I sometimes think that I need a sign that says Warning: Introvert. Becomes socially awkward and uncomfortable when forcibly engaged in conversations with strangers.) My defense here is to put in my ear buds and start my playlist, keep my head down, and don't make eye contact. It usually works.

Look! They make do make a sign!!

Fourthly, I have to actually get on the freaking treadmill and actually start it. There are all these different programs, and I don't want the treadmill to think I'm a wuss, so I always feel like I need to push myself a little more than I probably should. There are these special weight loss programs where they simulate hills and whatnot. I guess walking on hilly terrain is going to help me loose my girth? Anyhoo, I go with it. 

The first day, I was able to walk a mile. It's took me like 25 minutes and I was sweating like a pig, but I did it. The great thing about the treadmills at Cybex is there is a fan that you can have pointed right at your face. It really really helps me, because I cant stand when my face feels like it's going to go all Raiders of the Lost Ark and melt off....
To me it really does feel as unpleasant as you would think this would feel..

The second day, I was able to walk 1.5 miles in like 34 mins. That really almost killed me. I felt like I was going to die anyway. Seriously. But again I pulled through. This was all done around 2.5 miles per hour. Which I'm told is actually a slow walking pace. Slow my ass. Jackasses. 

This week, I was up to walking 30 minutes straight at 3.0 mph. I even "sprinted" for 1 min at 4 mph. Although, I think I pushed myself too hard because today I felt like my whole entire body was pissed off at me and started to shut down. Perhaps I'm just coming down with something, but really, I think it's my fat going into survival mode. It's perfectly happy where it is and doesn't want to leave. Well, those bitches can just accept the inevitable, because they're going down! Fat be Gone!! Hallelujah!! (I'm kinda tired and may be starting to go insane, hopefully Hubby already has the number for the closest mental health facility). 

So, anyhoo, I'm making progress. And it feels really great!! I even had pizza this week and it didn't send me into an unhealthy eating binge where I grab at every carb in sight and stuff it in my face. See...? Progress!! 

Accountability Time!! I've lost 15 lbs since I started to get serious. Which was about 2 weeks ago, when I started to keep track of what I was eating and starting to move more. I do want to reiterate that I'm not doing this to become a certain size, I'm doing this to feel better. I started to feel horribly terrible absolutely everyday, getting heart burn, constantly having to run to the bathroom due to digestive distress, never ever having any energy, and getting severely depressed. It was at that time that I stepped on the scale and realized I had eaten myself to 378 pounds. I realized then that I really did need to change. I've been doing well, and realize now that I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be so strict with myself, that's it's okay to have bad days, I just need to try. This is my new mantra:

    (Delightfully cheerful Mantra for the win!!)

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Squishy vs. the Fitness Tracker


I'm trying to be healthier. And it's really hard. Like really really hard. I've been saying how hard it is since the beginning. But Like the good Teddy Roosevelt once said:  

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty..."

And this was one seriously cool dude. I mean, Just Look at him...

I may one day be cool, but I will never be Teddy Roosevelt riding a Moose cool...
(My husband has told me that this photo is a fake, that historians have proven that it's fake and was produced for the presidential campaign because he was running for the bull moose party. I don't care that it's fake. It's awesomeness wrapped in rainbows dipped in chocolate.) 


I have trouble keeping myself motivated. I know this. It's just easy for me to say "Oh well, I'll run on the treadmill tomorrow, I've only seen this episode of The Big Bang Theory seven times. Hey, are those honey bbq potato chips?!?" Being lazy is easy. Actually getting off your butt is hard. 

So, I had this wonderful idea. I know I'm inherently lazy. If I'm going to become healthier and more active, I'm going to need a way to keep track of what I'm doing. And because I hate imputing data myself and my hips shake like a bowl fully of jelly when I walk rendering those pedometers with the ball in them totally useless, I decided it was a brilliant idea to get one of those newfangled fitness trackers. 

There are tons upon tons of fitness trackers, and they all do something different. I'm not an extremely active person who needs something that uses GPS to track my exact routes and also can predict the future while brewing a cup of coffee for someone in china. I just wanted something that was simple and pretty and would just track how active I am when I don't let my inherent laziness sabotage me.

So, I settled on the Misfit Shine, mostly because it was pretty. Plus, it tracks just stuff like how many miles total, and steps, and how many calories I'm burning based on my weight. Which is all I wanted really. So, I eagerly waited for it's arrival, dreaming of how pretty it was and how it'll help me. Then I get it, and the damn thing doesn't work with my phone! I'm kind of a hipster in the way that I have a windows phone (because the camera rocks thank you very much) and windows phone wasn't compatible with the freaking thing. So, I had this beautiful fitness tracker and no way to use it. So, I started to actually read up on the thing and it turns out it runs the best with iPhones. Stupid iPhones. Stupid expensive over rated iPhones. So, after several days watching eBay auctions, I finally get a stupid iPhone super cheap to use as a stupid iPod so I can FINALLY use my shiny fitness tracker to the extent that it's supposed to. Now that I can use it, it's Fabulous. And Pretty. And Shiny. 

So, the thing is constantly on my wrist, even when I'm sleeping (because it somehow preforms magic and tracks how well I sleep too), as a reminder to get off my lazy butt and walk around already. And it's doing a good job of that. It's really rewarding to see the lights go up the more active I am. And when I meet my daily goal of being moderately active the thing lights up like a Christmas Tree saying "Way to go you!! You show that treadmill who's boss."

I know I have a long way to go. I know it's going to take a long time. I can't expect to change overnight (which is super hard for me because as I've mentioned before I'm all about the instant gratification). I'm just trying to eat less and move more and it's working for me so far. I know it's all just a mental game. That I'm my own saboteur. I'm just going to keep plugging away slowly.


Next up: Squishy Vs. The Treadmill

Friday, January 9, 2015

Squishy Vs. The Demon Chocolate Ice Cream


I've been trying to eat healthier the last few days. I'm not going to say that I failed. I don't believe in failure anymore. I believe in taking it one day at a time. Well, I have to admit that I had 1 day that was worse than the other days (cranky horrible day where my husband decided to be annoying and I decided to eat 1/2 pound of fudge, but I digress). Overall though, I have been doing not too terribly. 

Anyhoo, On Monday, I decided that since is was the first Monday of the new year that I was going to Do This!! And by this, I meant I was going to be super motivated and eat right and what not. I didn't accomplish my goal of taking the stairs at work though (but trust me, even the most fit people come up those stairs breathing heavy. They're like Satan's Stairs). I did however do really good with my eating. I had a balanced breakfast. I brought a good lunch (except the hubby came to have lunch with me and brought taco bell, but even though I wanted to do my best Cookie Monster impression with the nachos, I managed to only have 1 bite (of everything)). I even had a balanced dinner. After dinner, well that's when the problems started.

I had settled down to watch some television. I was in between books at the time (since then I've decided to start Harry Potter again) and was flipping through channels and got completely bored ( I know I'm blessed to be able to be bored, the joys of not having kids I tell ya). Being bored is not good, because bored usually means eating every available carb within an arms reach. So, I'm sitting there and all of a sudden all I can think about is Chocolate Ice Cream. How delicious chocolate ice cream is, how creamy it is, how it would taste, the mouth feel, the magical properties that it possesses... Basically waxing poetic about chocolate ice cream in my head, totally thinking that chocolate ice cream would solve all my problems if only I gave into chocolate ice cream's warm glowing warming glow. And here's the catch, I know there was a brand new carton of the stuff in the freezer, thanks to the hubby who always has ice cream. ALWAYS. It was yummy chocolate ice cream with a fudge ribbon and peanut butter cups... 

So, I sat there, day dreaming naughty things about chocolate ice cream when I realized that this is how addicts feel. All they can think about is that drug. Food is my drug (too bad I need it to live...). So, having summed up the most will power I've ever been able to find within myself, I decided that chocolate ice cream didn't own me, I was going to exercise the demon ice cream out of my thoughts. 

So, I did. 

First I tried to do yoga, but I couldn't stand the instructor on the DVD for 5 minutes. I wanted to punch her in her hoity toity look at me I do yoga face. So. Annoying. 

So, then I was looking for exercise stuff on Hulu, because hulu has everything, and I came across a video for  beginners. It's from a well known DAILY fitness site that helps you BURN off that fat. (See what I did there?) Anyhoo, I could actually stand the instructor. The guy didn't make me want to punch him! ( I somehow lack the endorphins make you happy reaction). So, it was a 30 min video all about stretching, and practicing your balance, and building up your core, and it was amazing. I was sweating, and breathing hard, and I didn't think about that chocolate ice cream once. Afterwords, I really felt good about myself. Yay for me!!!

So there, Squishy won the battle against the Demon Ice Cream that day, but I know there's quite the war ahead. I just know one thing:

All the odds are, they're in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, ha ha, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

(Theater geek for the win!!)