Victory! And then the doubts...

I have actually formally exercised 4 out of the last 5 days. That is huge and something I haven't done since I was in my uber serious weight loss mode. And the 1 day that I wasn't formally exercising I walked 12,000 steps (thanks Pokemon Go!). I'm actually quite proud of myself (and quite sore). 

I'm still trying to get over some hang ups however. 

In my mind I look Dr. Zoidberg without his shell. 

Yummy

All flabby and jiggly and not in a good way. Like Things are hanging down. When I was fatter at least everything was in it's place... 
I also hate the way I look in clothes right now. Not in the whole "I'm terrified what people will think because they can see my what I've heard called a 'chastity curtain'" but because I don't feel confident in anything. Because of Things. For Reasons.

This is the part that has been scaring me away from further progress. The more weight I lose the more loose skin I will have and the more I'll look like the picture above. I'm terrified to even think of skin surgery that a lot of people that lose a significant amount of weight often get. (I watched an episode of Skin Tight on TLC and that show has royally messed me up in the head I swear.) 

This is also what has caused me to take a leap backward in my progress. Last week I stepped on the scale and it read 342. I was shocked. It was just so easy to get back to my old habits. I can't even say I enjoyed myself. The heartburn that had stopped had reared it's ugly head. My skin was starting to get all acne ridden again. My hips were hurting after walking any more than a few minutes. I was just falling into the same pattern as before. 

I've recommitted myself. I just have to keep remembering that this is a marathon and not a sprint. That's it's okay I gained 39 pounds in 11 months of not committing myself fully to my journey to better health. 

I had started to type weight loss there and I realized that really isn't the right way to look at it any more. I don't care about the weight loss. I care about becoming a healthier and more active Squishy. I care about feeling better. I care about being around a long time so I can grow old with my hubby. Yes, weight is a good indicator of progress, but it's not everything. 

I'm going to continue to do the best that I can, and to make one healthy decision at a time. 

Wish Me Luck!

Having a Difficult Time

I just wrote how excited I was, and that I was in the right mindset, and that I didn't find comfort in food anymore...

But then Work happened.

Damn work and all it's stress and drama!!

What?!? Squishy's Back?!? Amazing!!

Hi! My name is Beth and I'm addicted to carbs.


I'm not starting over. I never stopped really. I've been living my life. It's just taken me a while to get over myself and put my big girl panties back on. To finally get back into the right mindset that I actually matter. 


Now. I think I may have finally gotten over my whole 

And have Finally embraced

I'm think I'm finally ready to just be. I'm not losing weight, I am making myself healthier. I am not exercising, I'm helping my body reach it's potential. I'm just striving to live longer, and better. And be able to ride Harry Potter... 

I know I've got to stop looking at my journey as a temporary thing. Stop thinking that when I reach a certain milestone I'll be "fixed". I just need to realize that I'm just living my life. I just need to make one good decision at a time. If I make a bad decision oh well. Move on. The next decision will come along soon. It's not the end of the world if I eat pizza for dinner, as long as I load it with a lot of veggies... Because I do like veggies on pizza now. I know, I'm turning into a grownup! 

Life is hard enough without putting unattainable goals on myself. No, I'm not saying I'm not going to toot my horn when I do reach a certain "milestone". I mean I plan to Toot Toot all over the place...    
 In the end, I think the most important thing I can do is be kind to myself. So that's what I plan to do. While finding a way to eat delicious delicious carbs while walking 10,000 steps a day and being happy with myself and finding the ambition to cook myself meals...

Wish me Luck!

Struggling

I'm struggling, not going to lie. I've been struggling ever since I came back from vacation.  The day before I left I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 303. I came back from vacation at 317. Not terrible as I basically went bat shit crazy and ate all the things. But I just haven't been able to get my head back in the game and have been fluctuating between 315-325. One week I'm higher and the next week I eat well and get back down to 315 and then I freak out again and gain it back. 

I think my problem is I was too close to a major milestone. I was only 4 lbs away from being under 300 pounds for the first time since high school and I lost it. I don't deal with change well. At all. And this was going to be a major change, and I didn't know who I'd be if I were to actually cross that line. 

I still am proud of the progress I made over that past year. I ended the year being healthier than I started it. That is all I can ask of myself. 

So, in the spirit of Lent (even though I am not catholic) I've decided that I am going to give up doubting myself and the self loathing that comes with feeling like I'm making bad decisions. I'm going back to the way I was a year ago at this time by making one small change at a time. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods and whenever I feel a craving for something be it potato chips or ice cream or all the things unhealthy I plan on just distracting myself with other things like exercise, violent video games, and coloring books containing swear words...



I just really need to reset my brain. I also have to give myself permission to succeed. We'll see how that goes. 

Progress Pics .... For no apparent reason...

So... Whenever I take a picture of myself lately, and I like to take lots of pictures with the hubby (because he's smoking hot) I look at them and don't recognize myself. It's like "where did those clavicles come from? And since when do I have a discernible jaw line? Where's my 3rd chin?!?" Not gonna lie... Kinda freaks me out...

This is what I see in my Head...

I Don't Have a Neck

But Apparently... This is what I look like now...

Where did that neck come from?!?

Totally freaking me out! I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Like I'm all hot and stuff now? I'm not abominable snowman white anymore, I'm all tan and stuff. Like I have cheekbones again... 

Again. These are me from last year. Like Roley Poley but adorable...

These are me from this last month. Totally happy with my 75 lb weight loss... 

So...

Progress report:

Highest Weight: 378 lbs

Current Weight: 303 lbs

Total Weight Lost (but never to be found): 75 lbs

This means I am 25 lbs away from 100 lbs lost, which is like 67% of my goal. My goal is to be in Onderland for the first time in forever...

And I think I'll get there...

Eventually...

Wish me luck!!

Squishy Vs. Rewards

Hi Everybody!! (Hi Dr. Nick!)

I totally do...

So. Progress Report!!
Starting Weight: 378
Current Weight: 307.6

I've lost 70 pounds. I really can't believe I've done so well. I've never made it this far before. It's been 8 months, and I haven't thrown in the proverbial towel.  Maybe I really do have a handle on this stuff!!

Happy Dance!!

I am kinda scared though, because that means I'm roughly only 8 pounds away from the 200s. I haven't been there since high school. The lowest I can remember knowing my weight was in 11th grade where we were weighed in gym class (285), and the teacher posted the highest and lowest weight and did an average for the class. I was humiliated, because I was obviously the heaviest person. So, what did I do? Went and ate some chocolate. I also have an irrational hatred of sports ballads (like The Final Countdown) because our gym teacher made us run to them, and if somebody stopped running and started to walk we had to start from the beginning of the song.... Evil Evil Evil High School Gym Teacher....

So. I'm freaking out a bit because I kinda don't know what to do with myself anymore. And Freaking Out to me is going crazy with not keeping track of what I am eating, and allow myself too many treats. Because I've always rewarded myself with food. Every milestone has always been celebrated with food. Birthdays, anniversaries, getting through a hellish day at work.. all celebrated with food. I have to get out of that habit. 

One of the non-food rewards I've been giving myself is fauxdora (fake pandora) charms on a charm bracelet. Every 10 lbs I get a new charm. It's been fun, except it's taken me all summer to lose 15 pounds because, again, I lose a little, realize how close I am to a certain milestone, and then freak the F*CK out. But, the bracelet thing is going well. 

I have an idea for when I lose 100 lbs. I want to get a tattoo. I have a little one on my ankle, and I've always wanted to get another one. I love tattoos. I just think they're beautiful. It's just hard to pick out what I would want to permanently put on my body. I know I want some sort of a plus size pin-up, since I'm a huge fan on pin up art. But then, where do I go to get the tattoo done? I don't know anyone with a lot of ink, and have no idea where I even start to research it. 

So. Yeah. Overwhelming. Which leads me to freak out.

I'm sensing a pattern...

Squishy's Back in the Swing of Things

Well. Looks who's back. And with a new attitude (I think that's a song, but I'm not sure ((it totally is, I just googled it. Pattie LaBelle, And now I wish I could do one of those musical montages where all my problems are solved in the space of one song. Alas, my life is not a movie (((yet))) so, I must put in the hard work and dedication... ))).

In the last couple of months I've went from caring too much and taking everything way too seriously to caring too little and becoming Loki for a while (I did what I wanted, without the homicidal tendencies).

MMMmmmmmm..... Lokie......

What was I talking about? 

Get out of my head Tom!!!

Oh, yes. New attitude.

I've realized something about myself. I'm one tough cookie (this time). In the midst of all the craziness, I have never given up. Sure, I had bad days, but I knew that I wasn't throwing everything away when I ate that entire bag of potato chips. I knew that I was having a moment of weakness, not a moment of failure. Sure, I lost and gained the same 7 pounds a few times in the past month and a half, but the point is I still was trying. 

I have a perfect example of the progress of my acumen in regards to weight loss...
While on the treadmill, I have the urge to run. Like, I actually run. It may be slower than a snail on ketomine, but I run. I was even walking around my work the other day, and just wanted to start running... The point being that I don't run. I've never in my life felt the 
urge to run. I swear I didn't have a fight or flight response, I had a "eh" response. 

"Oh no that big scary thing is chasing me?!? Eh, it was a good life with so much yummy chocolate... "

But now I find myself actually enjoying exercise, and enjoying running. I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes straight this week. And I felt great afterwards. I didn't feel like I was going to fall over dead due to lack of breathing ability. This is crazy to me. Progress!!

Speaking of progress...
(insert trumpet fanfare here)

Highest Weight: 378 lbs
Current Weight: 317 lbs

I have to date lost a total of 61 lbs. I'm super excited about it. Like super duper I can't even tell you how excited about it I am. It's also super encouraging. 

I think I'm beginning to find balance. I know what I need to eat and how  much I need to work to keep on keeping on. I also know that it's okay to have a maple persian donut once in a while....

hehehe.... Cant talk about donuts and not show Homer...

Hey, I'm finally getting the hang of this long term weight loss stuff...

Go figure!

P.S. I really do love my husband. I swear. It's just... Tom Hiddleston... with the eyes... and the face... and the ears... and the acting ablility.... 
I guess I just like lanky tall men with light brown hair and ginger beards...
Good thing I married one!!

Dayum, my man is Smokin....