Saturday, January 31, 2015

Squishy Vs. The Treadmill

Hi Everybody!! (Hi Doctor Nick!!) (Simpsons Reference)

I've been implementing the Move More portion of my East Less Move More regime... No, not regime. Regime sounds like I'm being forced into it.  Diet? No, diet is wrong, has too much of a negative connotation. Super Fun Time Exercise? Maybe, but doesn't have enough pizzazz (and I'm not a Hello Kitty enthusiast). How about Eat Less Move More Extravaganza!!! Yeah we'll go with that. That sounds fun.

I've been implementing the move more portion of my Eat Less Move More Extravaganza. I've started to walk more at work, and make an effort to either take Satan's Stairs or walk the long way around to avoid Satan's Stairs and use the back elevators at work. I will tell you that this long way is about 1/4 mile while Satan's Stairs lead straight to my desk. So, I feel either way I'm moving more than I did before. This has been going swimmingly, and has an added bonus of getting me away from my desk and away from annoying people asking my really annoying questions.

So, along with walking more at work, I have taken to going to my husband's employer Cybex, which makes exercise equipment like treadmills and the anti-Christ (known as the Arc Trainer). Because they make these fancy uber gym quality fitness machines, they have said uber fancy machines in a show room that acts as the company gym. I've explained this before, but it was along time ago, and I don't expect the NEW fictional people who are reading my blog to go back to read older posts. The point being that I've started to use the treadmill most every day. I try to go everyday, unless I'm uber tired and my body feels like it's starting a mutiny. I still walk more at work though, so even on those days I feel like I'm accomplishing something.

So, firstly, I have to get the ambition to get into my car and drive to Cybex. I can usually accomplish this because I just leave when Hubby goes to work, since he works overnights, and there's no way on God's Green Earth that I'm going to get the ambition to wake up before 6 AM to go exercise. No way, no how. I know myself too well and that is never going to happen. Unless I didn't actually go to sleep and I'm still up for some reason before 6 am and I happen to become insane and want to walk on the treadmill before I'm able to sleep. If that happens, I expect Hubby to take me to the proper authorities and get me help, because that means I'm too far gone and will not be coming back to him, I'll be in my own cheerfully morbid world where Zombies are found Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and they're eating that little bluebird who wouldn't shut up about how cool he was that he was able to so happily fly all the way over the rainbow with his stupid blue bird wings. Jackass. 
Hehe, I love google image search...

Secondly, on the drive to Cybex, I have to pass by a gaggle of fast food restaurants, my nemesises (nemisi? what is the plural to nemesis.... I just googled it, and it's nemeses... seriously). Here's the list that I pass on my way to exercise: Applebees, Dairy Queen, Jimmy Johns, Papa Murphy's, Starbucks, Chinese Takeout called Asian Kitchen, FroYo, KFC, Arby's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, and Target which has another Starbucks inside. I don't live in a very large town, but the road I drive in which to get to the treadmill does pass over a major freeway, which is why there are so many fast food places.  I swear I should receive a freaking medal each and every time I drive by without stopping and getting and devouring any form of the deliciously unhealthy carb options that are vended at these places. Taco Bell sells freaking deep fried dough with freaking frosting inside. I could happily eat my weight in those freaking things. 

When I see these I wanna go all Homer Simpson on Doughnuts.... (hehe, another Simpsons reference)

Thirdly, I have to gather the ambition to actually get out of my car when I arrive because there always seems to be another person there. I'm an introvert. I don't particularly like interacting with people that I don't know. Yes, I have a very social job where I interact with people on a constant basis, but I'm getting paid to do that, and I go home and crash and don't want to speak to anybody else for the rest of the evening. ( I sometimes think that I need a sign that says Warning: Introvert. Becomes socially awkward and uncomfortable when forcibly engaged in conversations with strangers.) My defense here is to put in my ear buds and start my playlist, keep my head down, and don't make eye contact. It usually works.

Look! They make do make a sign!!

Fourthly, I have to actually get on the freaking treadmill and actually start it. There are all these different programs, and I don't want the treadmill to think I'm a wuss, so I always feel like I need to push myself a little more than I probably should. There are these special weight loss programs where they simulate hills and whatnot. I guess walking on hilly terrain is going to help me loose my girth? Anyhoo, I go with it. 

The first day, I was able to walk a mile. It's took me like 25 minutes and I was sweating like a pig, but I did it. The great thing about the treadmills at Cybex is there is a fan that you can have pointed right at your face. It really really helps me, because I cant stand when my face feels like it's going to go all Raiders of the Lost Ark and melt off....
To me it really does feel as unpleasant as you would think this would feel..

The second day, I was able to walk 1.5 miles in like 34 mins. That really almost killed me. I felt like I was going to die anyway. Seriously. But again I pulled through. This was all done around 2.5 miles per hour. Which I'm told is actually a slow walking pace. Slow my ass. Jackasses. 

This week, I was up to walking 30 minutes straight at 3.0 mph. I even "sprinted" for 1 min at 4 mph. Although, I think I pushed myself too hard because today I felt like my whole entire body was pissed off at me and started to shut down. Perhaps I'm just coming down with something, but really, I think it's my fat going into survival mode. It's perfectly happy where it is and doesn't want to leave. Well, those bitches can just accept the inevitable, because they're going down! Fat be Gone!! Hallelujah!! (I'm kinda tired and may be starting to go insane, hopefully Hubby already has the number for the closest mental health facility). 

So, anyhoo, I'm making progress. And it feels really great!! I even had pizza this week and it didn't send me into an unhealthy eating binge where I grab at every carb in sight and stuff it in my face. See...? Progress!! 

Accountability Time!! I've lost 15 lbs since I started to get serious. Which was about 2 weeks ago, when I started to keep track of what I was eating and starting to move more. I do want to reiterate that I'm not doing this to become a certain size, I'm doing this to feel better. I started to feel horribly terrible absolutely everyday, getting heart burn, constantly having to run to the bathroom due to digestive distress, never ever having any energy, and getting severely depressed. It was at that time that I stepped on the scale and realized I had eaten myself to 378 pounds. I realized then that I really did need to change. I've been doing well, and realize now that I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be so strict with myself, that's it's okay to have bad days, I just need to try. This is my new mantra:

    (Delightfully cheerful Mantra for the win!!)

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Squishy vs. the Fitness Tracker


I'm trying to be healthier. And it's really hard. Like really really hard. I've been saying how hard it is since the beginning. But Like the good Teddy Roosevelt once said:  

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty..."

And this was one seriously cool dude. I mean, Just Look at him...

I may one day be cool, but I will never be Teddy Roosevelt riding a Moose cool...
(My husband has told me that this photo is a fake, that historians have proven that it's fake and was produced for the presidential campaign because he was running for the bull moose party. I don't care that it's fake. It's awesomeness wrapped in rainbows dipped in chocolate.) 


I have trouble keeping myself motivated. I know this. It's just easy for me to say "Oh well, I'll run on the treadmill tomorrow, I've only seen this episode of The Big Bang Theory seven times. Hey, are those honey bbq potato chips?!?" Being lazy is easy. Actually getting off your butt is hard. 

So, I had this wonderful idea. I know I'm inherently lazy. If I'm going to become healthier and more active, I'm going to need a way to keep track of what I'm doing. And because I hate imputing data myself and my hips shake like a bowl fully of jelly when I walk rendering those pedometers with the ball in them totally useless, I decided it was a brilliant idea to get one of those newfangled fitness trackers. 

There are tons upon tons of fitness trackers, and they all do something different. I'm not an extremely active person who needs something that uses GPS to track my exact routes and also can predict the future while brewing a cup of coffee for someone in china. I just wanted something that was simple and pretty and would just track how active I am when I don't let my inherent laziness sabotage me.

So, I settled on the Misfit Shine, mostly because it was pretty. Plus, it tracks just stuff like how many miles total, and steps, and how many calories I'm burning based on my weight. Which is all I wanted really. So, I eagerly waited for it's arrival, dreaming of how pretty it was and how it'll help me. Then I get it, and the damn thing doesn't work with my phone! I'm kind of a hipster in the way that I have a windows phone (because the camera rocks thank you very much) and windows phone wasn't compatible with the freaking thing. So, I had this beautiful fitness tracker and no way to use it. So, I started to actually read up on the thing and it turns out it runs the best with iPhones. Stupid iPhones. Stupid expensive over rated iPhones. So, after several days watching eBay auctions, I finally get a stupid iPhone super cheap to use as a stupid iPod so I can FINALLY use my shiny fitness tracker to the extent that it's supposed to. Now that I can use it, it's Fabulous. And Pretty. And Shiny. 

So, the thing is constantly on my wrist, even when I'm sleeping (because it somehow preforms magic and tracks how well I sleep too), as a reminder to get off my lazy butt and walk around already. And it's doing a good job of that. It's really rewarding to see the lights go up the more active I am. And when I meet my daily goal of being moderately active the thing lights up like a Christmas Tree saying "Way to go you!! You show that treadmill who's boss."

I know I have a long way to go. I know it's going to take a long time. I can't expect to change overnight (which is super hard for me because as I've mentioned before I'm all about the instant gratification). I'm just trying to eat less and move more and it's working for me so far. I know it's all just a mental game. That I'm my own saboteur. I'm just going to keep plugging away slowly.


Next up: Squishy Vs. The Treadmill

Friday, January 9, 2015

Squishy Vs. The Demon Chocolate Ice Cream


I've been trying to eat healthier the last few days. I'm not going to say that I failed. I don't believe in failure anymore. I believe in taking it one day at a time. Well, I have to admit that I had 1 day that was worse than the other days (cranky horrible day where my husband decided to be annoying and I decided to eat 1/2 pound of fudge, but I digress). Overall though, I have been doing not too terribly. 

Anyhoo, On Monday, I decided that since is was the first Monday of the new year that I was going to Do This!! And by this, I meant I was going to be super motivated and eat right and what not. I didn't accomplish my goal of taking the stairs at work though (but trust me, even the most fit people come up those stairs breathing heavy. They're like Satan's Stairs). I did however do really good with my eating. I had a balanced breakfast. I brought a good lunch (except the hubby came to have lunch with me and brought taco bell, but even though I wanted to do my best Cookie Monster impression with the nachos, I managed to only have 1 bite (of everything)). I even had a balanced dinner. After dinner, well that's when the problems started.

I had settled down to watch some television. I was in between books at the time (since then I've decided to start Harry Potter again) and was flipping through channels and got completely bored ( I know I'm blessed to be able to be bored, the joys of not having kids I tell ya). Being bored is not good, because bored usually means eating every available carb within an arms reach. So, I'm sitting there and all of a sudden all I can think about is Chocolate Ice Cream. How delicious chocolate ice cream is, how creamy it is, how it would taste, the mouth feel, the magical properties that it possesses... Basically waxing poetic about chocolate ice cream in my head, totally thinking that chocolate ice cream would solve all my problems if only I gave into chocolate ice cream's warm glowing warming glow. And here's the catch, I know there was a brand new carton of the stuff in the freezer, thanks to the hubby who always has ice cream. ALWAYS. It was yummy chocolate ice cream with a fudge ribbon and peanut butter cups... 

So, I sat there, day dreaming naughty things about chocolate ice cream when I realized that this is how addicts feel. All they can think about is that drug. Food is my drug (too bad I need it to live...). So, having summed up the most will power I've ever been able to find within myself, I decided that chocolate ice cream didn't own me, I was going to exercise the demon ice cream out of my thoughts. 

So, I did. 

First I tried to do yoga, but I couldn't stand the instructor on the DVD for 5 minutes. I wanted to punch her in her hoity toity look at me I do yoga face. So. Annoying. 

So, then I was looking for exercise stuff on Hulu, because hulu has everything, and I came across a video for  beginners. It's from a well known DAILY fitness site that helps you BURN off that fat. (See what I did there?) Anyhoo, I could actually stand the instructor. The guy didn't make me want to punch him! ( I somehow lack the endorphins make you happy reaction). So, it was a 30 min video all about stretching, and practicing your balance, and building up your core, and it was amazing. I was sweating, and breathing hard, and I didn't think about that chocolate ice cream once. Afterwords, I really felt good about myself. Yay for me!!!

So there, Squishy won the battle against the Demon Ice Cream that day, but I know there's quite the war ahead. I just know one thing:

All the odds are, they're in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, ha ha, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

(Theater geek for the win!!)