Victory! And then the doubts...

I have actually formally exercised 4 out of the last 5 days. That is huge and something I haven't done since I was in my uber serious weight loss mode. And the 1 day that I wasn't formally exercising I walked 12,000 steps (thanks Pokemon Go!). I'm actually quite proud of myself (and quite sore). 

I'm still trying to get over some hang ups however. 

In my mind I look Dr. Zoidberg without his shell. 

Yummy

All flabby and jiggly and not in a good way. Like Things are hanging down. When I was fatter at least everything was in it's place... 
I also hate the way I look in clothes right now. Not in the whole "I'm terrified what people will think because they can see my what I've heard called a 'chastity curtain'" but because I don't feel confident in anything. Because of Things. For Reasons.

This is the part that has been scaring me away from further progress. The more weight I lose the more loose skin I will have and the more I'll look like the picture above. I'm terrified to even think of skin surgery that a lot of people that lose a significant amount of weight often get. (I watched an episode of Skin Tight on TLC and that show has royally messed me up in the head I swear.) 

This is also what has caused me to take a leap backward in my progress. Last week I stepped on the scale and it read 342. I was shocked. It was just so easy to get back to my old habits. I can't even say I enjoyed myself. The heartburn that had stopped had reared it's ugly head. My skin was starting to get all acne ridden again. My hips were hurting after walking any more than a few minutes. I was just falling into the same pattern as before. 

I've recommitted myself. I just have to keep remembering that this is a marathon and not a sprint. That's it's okay I gained 39 pounds in 11 months of not committing myself fully to my journey to better health. 

I had started to type weight loss there and I realized that really isn't the right way to look at it any more. I don't care about the weight loss. I care about becoming a healthier and more active Squishy. I care about feeling better. I care about being around a long time so I can grow old with my hubby. Yes, weight is a good indicator of progress, but it's not everything. 

I'm going to continue to do the best that I can, and to make one healthy decision at a time. 

Wish Me Luck!

Having a Difficult Time

I just wrote how excited I was, and that I was in the right mindset, and that I didn't find comfort in food anymore...

But then Work happened.

Damn work and all it's stress and drama!!

What?!? Squishy's Back?!? Amazing!!

Hi! My name is Beth and I'm addicted to carbs.


I'm not starting over. I never stopped really. I've been living my life. It's just taken me a while to get over myself and put my big girl panties back on. To finally get back into the right mindset that I actually matter. 


Now. I think I may have finally gotten over my whole 

And have Finally embraced

I'm think I'm finally ready to just be. I'm not losing weight, I am making myself healthier. I am not exercising, I'm helping my body reach it's potential. I'm just striving to live longer, and better. And be able to ride Harry Potter... 

I know I've got to stop looking at my journey as a temporary thing. Stop thinking that when I reach a certain milestone I'll be "fixed". I just need to realize that I'm just living my life. I just need to make one good decision at a time. If I make a bad decision oh well. Move on. The next decision will come along soon. It's not the end of the world if I eat pizza for dinner, as long as I load it with a lot of veggies... Because I do like veggies on pizza now. I know, I'm turning into a grownup! 

Life is hard enough without putting unattainable goals on myself. No, I'm not saying I'm not going to toot my horn when I do reach a certain "milestone". I mean I plan to Toot Toot all over the place...    
 In the end, I think the most important thing I can do is be kind to myself. So that's what I plan to do. While finding a way to eat delicious delicious carbs while walking 10,000 steps a day and being happy with myself and finding the ambition to cook myself meals...

Wish me Luck!

Struggling

I'm struggling, not going to lie. I've been struggling ever since I came back from vacation.  The day before I left I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 303. I came back from vacation at 317. Not terrible as I basically went bat shit crazy and ate all the things. But I just haven't been able to get my head back in the game and have been fluctuating between 315-325. One week I'm higher and the next week I eat well and get back down to 315 and then I freak out again and gain it back. 

I think my problem is I was too close to a major milestone. I was only 4 lbs away from being under 300 pounds for the first time since high school and I lost it. I don't deal with change well. At all. And this was going to be a major change, and I didn't know who I'd be if I were to actually cross that line. 

I still am proud of the progress I made over that past year. I ended the year being healthier than I started it. That is all I can ask of myself. 

So, in the spirit of Lent (even though I am not catholic) I've decided that I am going to give up doubting myself and the self loathing that comes with feeling like I'm making bad decisions. I'm going back to the way I was a year ago at this time by making one small change at a time. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods and whenever I feel a craving for something be it potato chips or ice cream or all the things unhealthy I plan on just distracting myself with other things like exercise, violent video games, and coloring books containing swear words...



I just really need to reset my brain. I also have to give myself permission to succeed. We'll see how that goes.