Bah Humbug....

Why is Christmas so hard? Why do there have to be treats every where I look? Why do they have to be so delicious? Why can't I just look at a tray of goodies and say "No thank you"? Why must I feel the need to sample one of everything? Why must everybody bring in treats to work every day? Why can't I just resist? It's because I'm weak and addicted to sugar? Oh, that makes sense. Stupid tasty sugar and it's addictive ways. There are plenty of people who can resist the allure that is holiday sugary goodness, but I'm not one of those people. 

Seriously. Following a diet in spring summer and fall are easy. There's fresh vegetables and fruit everywhere and they're super cheap. The weather is nice so you can go do outdoorsy stuff like hiking and swimming and things of that nature. People bring in fresh veggies and fruits from their gardens and encourage you to have some. It's great. You just feel more energized and motivated to look good in a swim suit. 

In winter, you get to wear baggy clothes that hide your cookie belly. In winter, every where you turn there's hot chocolate and cookies and pumpkin flavored lattes and baked goods. There's cookie exchanges and holiday parties with mini sized foods (which trick you into thinking they're better for you). Families get together to eat lovingly made holiday feasts (the love being butter). It's perfectly acceptable to walk around eating everything in site. And the worst part is when you try to resist people look at you like you just insulted Santa Clause's mother. Seriously, it sucks.

It's really hard to be motivated to go to the gym when you have to put on a parka and mittens and scrape the frost off your windshield first. Then when you leave the gym your sweat freezes on your skin and you have to scrape your windows again. I wish I actually had room in my house for a treadmill that I would look at and have to use because I'd feel guilty with it just sitting there and judging me. 

I know I want to lose weight and feel better about myself. It's just hard. And this time of year just makes it harder. Maybe I'll make a new year's resolution to follow last year's new year's resolution to go the gym more. Also, I'm going to put this on my fridge so I don't try to sneak any more ice cream...

and

Finally... I've lost another pound!

Hallelujah.... the scale is finally going down! I do admit that I have an unhealthy obsession with checking my weight a million times a day. I also admit I get ridiculously aggravated when I haven't lost any weight. I know that you can't lose weight every day. I know that losing 1-2 pounds a week is healthy. But I want to lose MORE. I'm all about instant gratification, which is why I tend to give up so easily on everything. Eating chocolate is pleasurable. Eating veggies suck.

Update: I did go home after my last blog post and play my dance game and played it for an hour. By the end I was sweating profusely, I couldn't breathe, and I swore I was going to vomit. It was awful. And Painful. My back hurt for days. I did get up to level 14 so that's good. I haven't played it again though, because My hubby was home over the weekend and we were too busy playing COD to do anything else. I'm also on overnights this week and by the time I get home Hubby is playing COD by himself. I'm sure if I asked him he'd let me play my game, but then he sits there and watches me and offers suggestions on how to do it better. It drives my crazy.

Speaking of driving me crazy, my husband is an ass. I'm trying so hard to be good and not eat all the delicious processed junk foods that are in the house and he has the audacity of continuing to offer me bites of ice cream and cookies and the like. I say no repeatedly but a fat girl's will power can only withstand so much. 

I know I have an addictive personality and my drug of choice is carbs. I love carbs of all kinds. If given the opportunity I would bathe in sugar. Offering me carbs is like offering liquor to an alcoholic. Can I resist? Yes. Do I want to? Kinda. Is it easy? Oh hell no. I want to go all Gallum on that shit and horde it in my cave. I want to eat it, and love it, and squeeze it, and bring it for long walks on the beach. I would give anything to be like my husband and be able to eat a whole quart of ice cream in one sitting and not gain any weight. It sickens me when he's in the bathroom and I hear "You're not feeding my enough Squishy, I've lost another pound." If I didn't love the bastard I swear I'd murder him in cold blood and bury him underneath the basement floor. 

Okay. So, ranting over. At this point I'm feeling pretty hopeful that things are starting to go my way again. I've been more conscious of what I'm eating and I've started to take the stairs instead and also to take the long way around at work. I'm positive that these small changes will have an impact on my progress. Maybe people will start commenting on my diminishing waist line again. It feels nice when people recognize the hard work I'm putting into it. 

I realize that I'm going to be working for the rest of my life. This will never be easy. I'm going to do my best.

I'm a Terrible Blogger...

I swear I don't mean to ignore my blog. But if I blog I actually have to take ownership of the fact that I'm a bad exerciser and diet follower. I mean seriously bad. I can't motivate myself to go to the gym and "free days" are running rampant. I blame work stress. And the deliciousness of processed foods. And Chocolate. I always blame chocolate. 

Work stress has caused me to be unable to sleep at night, which in turn causes me to only sleep for a few hours during the day, which in turn causes me to be tired and cranky and crave chocolate and processed deliciousness, which in turn makes me not want to go to the gym and to say "Another free day won't kill me". Free days have caused my waist line to NOT get smaller. At least it hasn't gotten bigger again.

So. I need motivation.

Here is a picture of Cartagena, Columbia. One of the places I'll be visiting on our cruise.

I want to be able to walk along that beach with my hubby and not be winded after 5 feet. Walking in sand is hard when you're as heavy as I am because all you do is sink. I practically need snow shoes to be able to accomplish it and who wears snow shoes on a beach in summer? Oh, Nobody. That's right.

Here's Palm Beach in Aruba.

I want to be able to swim on that beach and not be mistaken for a baby killer whale. That is why I do not wear black and white swim suits. It's always been my fear to get eaten by sharks because they thought I was a baby killer whale.

Here is a picture of Doris Mayday, whom I aspire to look like. Except I'd be brunette. I'd look horrible as a blonde.

I want to be able to wear retro style dresses and take pictures in front of awesome classic cars. I want grown men to drool at the sight of me. I want to be a model for the Bettie Page store. I could get down with wearing a girdle. Look at that waist!

Here is a picture of red patent leather high heel shoes.
                                         
                                           

I've always wanted to wear a pair of "stripper heels" as hubby calls them. I call then "F*ck Me" pumps. These of course would be worn with a retro style dress to create the whole "I'm one Hot Mama" persona. Right now I can't even stand in a pair of these. My poor ankles just can't handle the strain. 380 pounds was not meant to rest squarely on tip toes and ankles. It's painful. And dangerous. And Painful...

Here is a picture of a wall.

Well, I don't have a picture of a wall. You can relate back to my first post about what I want to do against a wall... Although, I'm sure you can imagine after my comment about the heels...

So. There's some motivation for me. Tonight I'm going to exercise at home. I have Dance Central 3 so I will play that for 30 min. Dancing is exercise. At least then I'll be earning Xbox Rewards. 

We'll see how that goes...

Okay, so I'm horrible with follow through...

Oops.... My bad...

So...
Apparently I'm bad at following through with my plans. I swear I intended to post at least once a week. But as it seems to go with all of my plans, I just simply kept putting it off. I'm a procrastinator through and through and I always simply said, maybe I'll write tomorrow. That seemed to be the theme of a recent week with my diet as well. "Oh, I'll just have a free day and try again tomorrow." It didn't seem to work out too well. But, that's behind me and I'm starting to get serious again.

So, now I really have a goal. Hubby (pictured above) and I will be going on an 11 day Caribbean Cruise next October, and it is my goal to be down to a size 14. That would be amazing because I haven't been a size 14 since I was in middle school. Yes, I realize this is sad, but I did say that I've been fat my entire life and maybe now you can believe it. In fact, I started shopping in the women's section when I was in 4th grade.  And of course this was around the time that the movie "Free Willy" was popular, so you can guess what I heard quite a bit...

Anyway, onto results.  This is week I don't remember and I'm at 352 pounds. So, I've lost 3 pounds since my last post, and considering that I've been yo-yoing so much on my diet lately, I say that is an excellent thing. I'm starting to realize that I actually need to work at this thing. Which sucks, because I'm not so good at working at anything. But I'm trying. I really want to be able to wear "normal" size clothes. And Retro Style Dresses, as I've mentioned in a previous post. I want to be able to snorkel and swim and frolic during our cruise and not worry about dry heaving from too much activity.

The procrastination theme is also present in my exercising efforts as well. I haven't been taking my daily walk and I feel that is a big part as to why I have been yo-yoing and been generally low spirited. I think that week changed my brain chemistry. I will say that exercising that much did really help with my trip to Chicago Hubby and I took around our anniversary. We walked all day every day for that whole weekend. We even walked from Navy Pier to the Field Museum to the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower to Millennium Park (which is when I finally had enough and Tim walked back to Navy Pier to pick up the car). That is over 4 miles. It was torture. A great way to see Chicago, but torture none the less. If I had walked a mile every day the week before I swear I would have collapsed. We did have fun though, and I guess that's all that really matters in these types of things.

Hubbs and I being Weirdos...

So, onward I go into my journey of weight loss. I still wish there was some sort of magic pill that I could take that would make the weight come off. Or some type of cancer that only effects the fat cells that you want to get rid of.  I'm off my long stretch of night shifts so it'll be easier for me to get back into the gym. I find it much easier to go when I get off work at 11 pm because I just head straight for Cybex. When I get off work at 7 am I just want to head straight to my pillow. So, maybe I'll get back to my strangely joyful habit of walking a mile each day. And then I can start dabbling in weight training again so I can get some guns and some abs...

We'll see how that goes...

Something Terrible has Happened...

Me about to start my mile. I'm smiling
so something is definitely wrong...

I'm actually beginning to like my daily walk. I'm taking a daily walk. And I'm liking it. I've seriously walked more than 4.5 miles this week. In 5 days. I seriously think I've gone nuts. I can't even tell you the last time I actually walked a mile in a week, let alone 4.5! I'm also dabbling in weight training. I say dabbling because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. But, I'm determined to lose my wings and thunder thighs, so I'm sticking to it. I promise. No, really. I swear.

Update :)  (The smiley face is because it's positive) Week 6(ish) Weight 355.6 pounds. That is a loss and I'm going to take it. Sure it's not the 5 lbs a week I was losing before, but you have to slow down sometime. I mean 2.4 lbs is still good (and too much according to weight watchers, whatever). I will say that I ate more carbs this week. I didn't go over my daily points allowance, but I'm sure that has something to do with it. Or I'm building muscle mass from all the fudging walking. Who knows.

The best part is that I'm able to fit into clothes that haven't fit me in a couple of years. I think I'm losing inches more than pounds this week. Inches I'll definitely take. Although, I've had 3 people at work comment that my boobs look smaller. And that is NOT kosher. My boobs were actually the one thing I liked about my body. My boobs were the only thing Hubby liked about my body (I know this to be true, but he'll say I'm making him sound shallow and like a horrible person, but it's how I feel). 

My boobs have been my identity for so long that I'm kinda depressed about it. I feel like I have to go get a water bra or something. Maybe I'll have to stuff socks in my bra like men stuff socks in their jeans... Seriously. Without my boobs what am I? Just another ugly fat person. I have no ass to speak of (it's flat and shapeless and not appealing in any fashion). My figure is vaguely hourglass shaped, but loosing my boobs will make me loose that too. I'm hoping my midsection starts to shrink along with my boobs so I'll still look proportional. Or I can just do what Hubby suggested and wear a girdle (the ass). I think I'll probably just have to start doing sit ups or something. Although, I don't think those will make me smile. I'm pretty sure sit ups will make me want to vomit and die.

I just wish there was a magical cure that would make me a normal sized person who fits into normal size clothes.  But until someone invents such a thing  I'll just continue on the path I am on. However long it shall take.

The Most Humiliating Experience Ever...

I've mentioned a few times now that one of the many things I'd like to do after I've lost some (well, a lot) of weight is ride Harry Potter. For those of you that are ignorant to my meaning (assuming of course that there are actually people reading this), by riding Harry Potter, I mean attending The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida and riding Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey.

I've been a huge fan of the Harry Potter series for a very long time (like almost half of my life). I started reading the books when I was in high school and I've seen every movie multiple times. When I heard that there was going to be a theme park I was so incredibly excited, and couldn't wait until I would be able to go. Well, when Tim and I decided to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, I knew this was going to be my opportunity to actually visit. 

I had reservations before going because I'm such a big girl, so I did what anybody does and researched on the internet. I read a bunch of websites saying that pretty much if you're over a size 14 and have larger than D breasts that you weren't going to fit into any of the rides in Universal Studios and that Walt Disney World was much more "fat friendly". I was kinda heart broken. I knew that I wouldn't fit so I tried to persuade my hubby to go to Disney. He didn't want to go to Disney because he had been there previously and  Disney, in his words, is junkaceous. He wanted to go to Universal Studios.

Worst Decision Ever.

There were a few rides I was able to go on. The Simpson's which is a virtual Roller Coaster, Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls (which I BARELY fit in, I mean it was a total fat girl in a little boat moment and I swear there were suctioning sounds when I literally had to pull myself out of it), Men In Black (where you just rode around trying to shoot aliens),  The Mummy (which is a total rip off of space mountain... and I again BARELY fit), and Jurassic Park (which was just okay). There was a lot of walking around and waiting for Tim when he went on all the cool roller coasters, some of them multiple times. I totally felt left out and was pretty miserable but tried my best to put on a Happy Face for him so he had enough fun for the both of us.

So, now we come to the MOST humiliating experience ever. Harry Potter and the Forbidding Fat People From Riding the Forbidden Journey.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is amazing visually. The whole atmosphere is just like in the movies, and walking into the area you can see Hogwarts looming over everything. There's the Hogwarts Express, and Hogsmeade, and carts selling Butterbeer (which is totally tasty) and Pumpkin Juice, and Honey Dukes, and other amazingness. If not for the whole unbearable heat thing I could have sworn I was in England.  I mean, totally cool. 

Test Seats for the Forbidden Journey

But, the rides are meant for skinny people and children. During my research I learned that there are test seats available for every ride and you are encouraged to use them. First of all, those test seats are a magnet for children to play with. You have to walk into a big group of people to get to them, and then you have to either ask the young children to get off or witness their parents yanking them off of them so the fat person can try them out. I know you will never see these people again, but that doesn't make the Looks hurt any less. In order for you to be able to ride, you need a green light. I couldn't even light up the red light.  They even have Fat Police stationed near the beginning of the rides to encourage larger people to try them out. 

The lady who picked me out of the crowd was pretty nice, and said that I wouldn't be able to ride the ride but I was welcome to go view the castle. Well, the first time we were by there I was so devastated that I just told Tim to ride it and I went and cried in a corner (literally). He said it was pretty cool and that really made me feel worse ( I was hoping maybe it was super cheesy or something). I was actually able to fit into the Flight of the Hippogriff (the little kid ride) and that was pretty cheesy. 

We had 2 day passes and the next day after riding some of the other rides  Tim convinced me to tour the castle. We start walking up and I'm picked out by another Fat Police person, and I told them I knew already I was too fat and I just wanted to tour the castle. The castle was pretty awesome and I would have enjoyed myself if I hadn't been stopped by 5 other fat police, each urging me to try the test seats. I had to say repeatedly "Yes, I know I'm too FAT to fit into the seats! I'm just touring the castle!" Seriously, by the end I just felt so horrible about myself that I wasn't even able to enjoy it. And having to exit the ride in front of all those people getting on the ride is just totally humiliating. I just wanted to leave and eat myself to death (which I realize is counter productive). I'm sure all this is a lot worse in my head, but it's my head and I can feel the way I want.

So, back to my goal. Once I reach my One Hot Mama Status I'm going to make myself a t-shirt that says "I lost 200lbs Just So I Can Ride Harry Potter". And I will ride it 10 times in a row until I'm sick of it. 

And before I leave I'll have some Butterbeer. With the whipped cream. And enjoy Every Single Sip.

I thought endorphins were supposed to make you happy...

So, I guess I'm going to be doing the once a week thing, because that's all the motivation I can muster after telling myself "carrots and celery are the best snack ever". Just so you know, it's not. I do however enjoy my daily yogurt and jello snack. I mix them together and think it's tasty.

Update: Week 5(ish) Current weight 358 pounds. I have lost 20 pounds and am extremely happy about it and only a little sick of carrots and celery. I'm feeling good and I haven't been that cranky lately. Maybe a little cranky, but not as cranky as I was before because I can have chocolate if I want. Chocolate makes everything better.

I started working out at Cybex this week. That was fun let me tell you. I started with 15 minutes on the treadmill walking 3 miles an hour. Which is fast for me. The treadmill had a TV on it, but the only channel I could find was CNN. During an election. Thank goodness the volume didn't work and I could listen to the music on my phone. The worst part about Cybex is that the treadmills all face the window so I can watch myself struggling to keep up with the 3 mile an hour pace. It was like watching a train wreck, so sad yet so hard to look away. 

After the treadmill was my trying to fumble my way around weight training so I can try to reduce my wing size. I have no idea what I'm doing so I end up just putzing around and pretending. I don't think it's very effective. Then it was time for the stationary bike which I spent 10 minutes on. I biked three miles staying still. It was awesome. Every time I would slow down the tiniest bit the stupid fan would shut off and I'd have to start peddling faster again. It was driving me crazy, but I guess it was an effective way to make me pedal constantly. 

Then, the real torture began and I did 5 min on the arc trainer (or Anti Christ). That machine just hurts. It makes my knees weak and my arms tired and generally feel like I'm going to fall over at any second. I was surprised I lasted the whole 5 minutes. 

Now I just have to find the motivation to go back and do it all over again...

Good luck with that....

This is NOT an endorsement... unless I get on TV.

.

So, Today (as it is still Oct 3 because I haven't slept yet) marks the 1 month anniversary of my blog. If my blog and I were dating we'd be getting to third base about now (I'm terribly old fashioned, the blog is a slut). 

Current weight at 9pm this evening was 363 lbs. That is progress my friends. I have lost 15 lbs in 4 weeks and I'm extremely happy about that. I've had some slips (well a major birthday celebration week where I said Cake? Yes please! Cookies?!? Of course! Fried Food ?!?!? Absolutely!!!! Don't judge me). I'm currently on track and feeling great!

So, I've jumped on the weight watchers band wagon. I'm not going to wax poetic about it. I'm on it, it's working for me, I can eat all my favorites and not suffer. And I must say, after being on something as restrictive as Paleo, Weight Watchers is a breeze. I had pancakes this week. Pancakes that didn't taste like licking a coconut shell. They were delicious and fit into my plan quite well thank you. I even lost a pound that day!

They have these handy mobile apps where you can scan a bar-code and it tells you how many points it is. It's awesome. My husband loves to play with it when we go grocery shopping. It's like "Oh, that package of delectable cookies is 12 points? I guess I'm having broccoli and steamed chicken for supper!" And the point is I get to eat the fracking cookies! 

So, I guess I waxed a little poetic about it, but what evs. It's my blog, I can do what I want. And maybe I'll get to be on one of those commercials where I'm holding out a pair of my old pants saying "Look how fat I used to be!" I would be an awesome spokes person. I'm adorable. 

Moving on...

I need to start exercising, because if I can lose 15 pounds in a month just by watching what I eat, imagine how much I could lose if I were to actually get up off my arse! As I've mentioned before, my husband works for a factory that produces high quality exercise equipment. They have a showroom that has all of their top of the line models to use. For free. The treadmills have fans on them. Fans that blow into your hot sweaty face. And the funny thing is if you start to slow down, the fan stops. And you're like "What the fudging hell? I need that fan!" so you speed back up and the fan comes back on and you're like "Oh thank you Jeabus!" It's pretty nice. I need to start using that. They also have Arc Trainers or as I call them the Anti Christ. They are similar to an elliptical machine but Tim says they're better. And he works for the place so he would know better than me. And because he's my hubby and I care about his money, here's a link to his employer's website http://www.cybexintl.com/  They have tons of information about what exactly the Anti Christ is. And why it's so great. Go there. They were one the Biggest Loser okay?

So, to sum things up. I'm back on track, doing great, and eating pancakes and cookies and all things yummy. I'm counting points and having fun scanning random bar-codes in the grocery store. Skinny jeans here I come! (actually I hate skinny jeans and think they are the ugliest things ever, I just thought the sentiment was appropriate)

15 pounds gone and only 135 left to go. If I continue at this rate I'll be at my goal in 10 months (like that will ever happen)...

I'll be able to fit into frilly vintage dresses and ride Harry Potter in no time :)

 

Don't judge me...

Turns out I'm incapable of living a carb free existence. I was just too cranky, and quite frankly unhappy. So, here I am. 29 years old (now) and back at square one (for the billionth time). I found that something so restrictive was just not good for me. Also, the first week I felt great, and things were going great. Then  the second week I constantly had heartburn and I felt left out and deprived. So, I have to think of a new game plan.

Working overnights you I watch a lot of late night TV infomercials. They all seem to feature different weight loss programs that all claim to shed the pounds quickly. There's the "eat what you want" diet and the weight loss pills diet and so on and so forth. Just so many things and I have no idea what to do.

I just find myself asking if it's really worth it. I want to be healthy and fit into cute vintage inspired dresses and fit in roller coaster seats and ride Harry Potter at universal studios. But there is just so much temptation and so much hard work and I'm scared. It also doesn't help when your skinny husbands comes and wakes you from a deep sleep and he's standing there eating ice cream for breakfast and has only gained 5 pounds in the 9 years we've been together. He sucks. 

I just want to be normal. And happy. And be able to eat cookies. 

So apparently I'm cranky...

So I guess if you're writing a blog where you fully intend to wax poetic on all of the annoying things your husband does you shouldn't tell him that you're writing a blog and where to find it on the ever expanding internet. That was my mistake. Crap. I apparently have made him sound like an uncaring bastard who only cares about money, which he's not (he says so). I do love my husband, very much. I promise.

Anyhoo. My husband is annoying. Today he came upstairs to talk to me eating ice cream. Out of the carton. Because he never uses a bowl. He also had cookies and urged me to "just take a taste". He doesn't understand that a taste leads to a cookie which leads to two cookies which leads to four cookies which leads to a whole package of cookies. For me sweets are like Lays potato chips, I can't eat just one. In fact, all processed junk foods are the same for me. I want to eat them non stop. Which is also why my husband asked me if I wanted to join OA (overeater's anonymous). My answer was no. I have my outlet here with the fictional readers of my blog. 

Weight loss update: I have lost 12 lbs so far! I'm super excited. 

Sanity update: I guess I'm cranky. Because everywhere I go all I see is temptation. I did try a coconut recipe (coconut pancakes). I didn't like them. At all. They were yucky. I was so discouraged that I didn't try anything else. I will some day, but not in the next week.

I can say that I'm sick of cooking. I know there will come a time when it won't seem so odd to be cooking all the time, but all I want to do is go to a fast food place and have a burger and fries. But I've resisted. I have indulged in an arby's roast beef sandwich (without the bun of course). I've remained faithful and had no dairy or grains. And I do feel better. Which is great.

So this weekend the hubs and I will be going to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival Chocolate an Romance weekend. I plan on having a treat there. And a turkey leg. 

Skinny Bitches and Annoying Husbands

My husband is a skinny bitch. And Annoying. He's been skinny his entire life and he just doesn't get it. All he sees is the added cost. I feel that my health and well-being are worth spending some extra dollars. And the question "How's your diet going" makes me want to A. cut his head off and B. castrate him. But that could just be the crankiness from not eating sugar. Or dairy. Which I miss immensely. He also ate an Oreo Cakester in front of my face, which made me want to kick him where it hurts. I know he was teasing, but It's not nice to temp a fat chick on a diet with baked goods. Next time he better be careful...

I must say that now that I've passed the week mark I find myself less hungry than before. And that's a good thing. There's no more constant craving for food that I had been going through the first few days. And, in total, I've lost 10 lbs so far (but I was sick yesterday and that did seem to evacuate my entire digestive system, but I'm still taking credit for it).  I'm also not following the meal plan. Because I did find it too intimidating. I've pretty much been making some of the recipes out of order, but focusing on making good choices. Tomorrow I'm making lamb stew with sweet potatoes, which sounds delicious, and also making kale chips. I've read the crunch is nice, and I miss potato chips. So hopefully it'll be a good replacement. 

No word yet on the coconut flour baked goods. I finally have a day off from work on Tuesday, so I plan on experimenting then. I'm really looking forward to some baked goods, even if they taste bad, because it'll still be a treat.

See Ya Later

I would cut a bitch for some Chocolate...

So today is day 3 of my paleo/low carb adventure and I must say that everything is going well (despite my crazy as all get out work schedule). Hell, I've lost six lbs, but I would cut a bitch for a piece of chocolate...

I know said chocolate craving is just my body craving sugary goodness, but walking into a grocery store and seeing all those yummy chocolate bars at the checkout is pure torture. But, I resisted and bought beef jerky instead (since i'm starting as low carb and transitioning into paleo). Now, beef jerky is in no way close compared to chocolate on the yummy scale, but I'm still on the I LOST WEIGHT!!!! high. I even thought about going for a walk today while I was trying to sleep, which is progress. 
And progress is good.

I do see a light at the end of my I WANT BAKED GOODS NOW! tunnel because I've found some recipes (thank you internet search engines) using coconut flour, which I did buy on my pilgrimage the other day. I'm super excited to try these, I just need to go buy coconut milk and eggs. I'll let you (fictional readers that are in my head) know how it goes. More importantly, how they taste, and if I can have satisfying life with coconut flour baked goods. 

One thing I can say is I'm not missing dairy yet. Except Ice Cream. I could cut a bitch for some cookie dough ice cream...

Whole Foods and Intimidating Meal Plans

So the Hubby and I made a pilgrimage to Whole Foods in Edina (the closest one to us), and oh boy, are things expensive. I knew going in that I would be spending a pretty penny because I had to buy EVERYTHING. This whole paleo thing changes the way you cook and everything. But, my goodness, I ended up spending SEVERAL pretty pennies, like $150... on vegetables... and some lamb... Yeah. And I didn't even get everything I needed. 

I will say that Whole Foods does smell better than the average grocery store. It smells like nature and freshness (and I'm guessing that is part of the price mark up). And it's bright and cheery. The workers are friendly and attentive and know everything there is to know about organic stuff (without making you feel dumb). The produce looks like it belongs in Hi-Def. The meats in the case are actually red (well the ones that are supposed to be). And my poor sugar deprived self had to walk through Whole Foods Bakery. It is simultaneously Heaven and Hell. Heaven because all the baked goods look and smell amazing. Hell for the same reason. Everything is shiny and pretty and you can practically taste it while you're oogling it. I'm coveting their raspberry tarts, and their chocolate cakes, and everything in their bakery case.

So I bought things like Ghee, and coconut oil, and nori, and kale. Various other things I've never eaten before. So I have all this weird produce to use and I find that I'm feeling rather intimidated by it all. 

There's this meal plan I'm trying to follow and I find that I don't want to eat some of the things I'm supposed to (like smoked salmon and canned salmon and olives and mustard and nori). I think that if I'm giving up all of my favorite things (see previous post for the list of those damn good things) I should at least feel that the food I'm replacing it with is appetizing. So I think there's going to need to be some re-arranging and more Internet recipe searching. I made one of the recipes that I was unsure about, mustard glazed chicken thighs (I hate mustard) that turned out to be pretty alright. 

So I've decided to remain optimistic. We'll see how that goes... 

The Start of My Journey

Hello and Welcome to the start of my journey (insert cheesy music here). 

I've been fat my entire life. As of today I'm 5' 61/2"  weigh 378 lbs and wear a size 28. This is as fat as I've ever been. I get winded going up stairs. I can't walk more than 1/4 mile without sweating profusely and feeling like I'm going to pass out and die. I can't keep up with my very skinny and very tall husband. I can't go on amusement park rides. I can't go down water slides with my nieces. I can't walk my dog around the block (as per the 1/4 mile comment). I can't see my toes without bending over a little. I can't fit into any of the cute retro dresses they sell at the Betty Page store. There's a whole long list of things I can't do. 

I've realized that there is something I can do though. I can stop making excuses and do something about it. So, since I'm turning 29 this month, I've decided to do just that. Something. So, here's the plan.

I'm starting to eat Paleo (similar to Low Carb with an emphasis on organic and sustainable meats and produce). I've read a lot about it and I'm going to do it. It's going to be hard to give up dairy (because it tastes so damn good) and Pasta (again, because it tastes so damn good) and Cakes and Cookies and Pastry and candy and chips and I can go all day with this....but if I want to have a more fulfilling 30s where I can do all the things I want to do, there are going to be sacrifices. Of course there's going to be exercise (The Ironic thing being my husband works for Cybex which manufactures exercise equipment), and maybe yoga (okay, probably not yoga). 

My goal is to get down to a size 16 (which I haven't been since 8th grade). I know that's still considered "overweight", but if it was good enough for Marilyn Monroe, it's good enough for me. And Who knows, maybe i'll surpass my goal. If you asked my husband (over share warning), he just wants to be able to throw me against the wall and have his way with me. I've told him that he just needs to work out and get stronger but that doesn't seem to be going as well.

So, This will be my outlet to whine, complain, vent, covet, and the like. Also, complain about my husband (because that's always fun).

Happy Reading

Oh, and before I forget, I'm going to assume nobody is reading this so I'm going to say whatever I feel like and not think about how it sounds to other people, so there.